title season 15 episode 9 subtitle it's not even over yet

last week: morgue chick shawntelle B got the boot
found out ashley is not actually a dentist, she is a dental student but they've been calling her a dentist all along
emily has a kid

this week:
i have not even finished watching the episode yet, it is on as i type this. i know who he kicked off but inexplicably there are like 10 minutes remaining which i assume could not possibly be very important. if anything exciting happens (yeah right) i will share that information at the end

first the dude took the only remaining shawntelle out on a safari, which really surprised her. it surprised me too, because i thought they were going to go skiing. hey shawntelle, you are in south africa, what did you think you were going to do?

i am actually sort of jealous of the safari because i think the big animals are pretty sweet. this does not mean i like the bachelor.

also, i guess the big plot twist is that they get these cards from that washed up chris guy, who writes the bad blog. so the dude hits shawntelle with one of these cards and it says they can access the fantasy suite if they want. fantasy suite? fantasy suite sounds more like some cheap wedding chapel in vegas. i would never stay in a fantasy suite.

also, the fantasy suite card comes with a key. not a regular key like goes in your door, some old-school key like for a lock in a 150 year old house. first of all, no house has keys like that anymore, so quit being so dramatic and just lose the key. second, shawntelle and the dude ended up going to some treehouse anyways, and not once have i ever had to unlock an old lock to get into a treehouse. i am quite sure this treehouse in the middle of south africa did not have a lock on it.

the treehouse was pretty cool. i am willing to bet that shawntelle and the dude forgot to close the mosquito netting and got covered in bug bites.

i am now remembering how boring this episode was. i spent most of it reading some cycling forums and i do not feel the least bit disappointed.

then the dude went out with emily, the girl with the kid. just in case anyone forgot, this girl had a baby at 19 and then left the kid alone while she went to find love on a reality show. just making sure you guys remembered. emily and the dude rode on an elephant, during which time she said "oh my goodness" at least five times which made me very angry. i am convinced that southern people, in addition to having obnoxious accents, have a limited vocabulary, and emily is my flagship case. even if they do have good vocabularies i still do not want to hear southern people talk, sorry southern people.

when the dude gave emily the lame key to the overnight thing, she tried to tell him she wanted to set a good example for her daughter by not taking the key. she took the key anyways. i do not even get this: she abandoned her child and only now she is thinking about setting a good example. this is like an alcoholic setting a good example by only drinking a 12-pack a day. your first mistake was becoming an alcoholic. your second mistake was thinking that you could correct yoru mistake by continuing to do stupid things. nice work emily. i am sure your daughter (which you named after your dead husband) will grow up to be well-adjusted and successful.

then the dude took the fake dentist out. they flew in a helicopter. the fake dentist "freaked out" half a dozen times. why must they all use those words. are there no other words to describe "freaking out"?

then the dude and the fake dentist got into a big fight, which i really took pleasure in seeing. the dude asked ashley where she wanted to live, and then he got pissy like four hours later because she didn't say she wanted to live in austin. come on dude, she is a fake dentist, she can live everywhere. it is not like she is a financier who needs to live in some big city, she is an almost dentist. do people in austin have teeth? yes? good. she can live in austin. this is not difficult.

then he kicked off the fake dentist.

i am of the personal opinion that the dude booted her because of her massive student loan debt. i would say it's because she's a dentist so she's probably smarter than the two others, who are both glorified secretaries, but i have watched her for 9 straight weeks and she is really not smart at all. so i blame sallie mae. i bet he had a nightmare of those letters pouring in the mail slot and had to axe her.

she got a little saucy with him at the end which would have been cooler except she didn't cry. i really like it when they cry, so i was unhappy.

then i discovered that the next episode is not the finale, it is some sort of garbage where they bring all the other chicks back to have words with the dude. granted i listened to this while writing the above text, so i am not exactly sure, but i think this is what goes down. i suspect this may involve another appearance of the illustrious apparel merchant alli travis! actually i wonder if she is still an apparel merchant given her extended absence and the fact that she has now provided proof to management that she is really sort of dumb. but alli will be back in action which should make it slighty more (or less) bearable, depending on your definition of bearable.

so we have to wait an extra week for the finale. i do not care when they air the stupid finale, i just wish they would stop filling in bogus garbage along the way. that is just more bachelor that i have to watch. if they aired the finale in a year i would be just fine with it, just stop making new episodes please. i guess at this point i might as well just read all the leak websites (seriously, one dude is writing wikileaks and changing the world, and there are like 10000 bachelorleaks websites, where are your priorities people? actually the bachelor probably does more to tear down the world opinion of the united states. maybe julian assange should start a bachelorleaks website. that would embarrass me more than those silly diplomatic cables)

so in summary, fake dentist gets booted off, we have to suffer through an extra episode which may or may not feature alli travis, this was probably the worst episode of the season thus far.

title: season 15 episode 8 subtitle: if i have a daughter and she brings home this clown i don't even know what i will do

i guess i owe you guys an apology for not writing a recap last week, because i really don't have better things to be doing than writing bachelor blog recaps. i will blame it on my dismay at the tragic loss of alli travis. i was depressed and i didn't know where to turn, so i went on a bender and tried to like read books and get smarter and stuff. it was awful so here i am again, back on the wagon (or is it off the wagon) with this crap.

summary of last week: i forget what happened. they were in anguilla, and the dude kicked off two chicks, one of them being ugly girl michelle. that was a good thing because she was really annoying me. not because she was an annoying person but because people kept asking me "don't you think that girl michelle is crazy?" and i would respond "i do not care. i do not even think about these things." so now i don't have to answer that anymore and for this i am thankful.

this week:
i guess they call this week hometown week or something, which means i will most certainly not be calling it hometown week because i am on a continued quest to disown all bachelor terminology. the first thing that happened was that the dude went to seattle to visit shawntelle A. i thought this was pretty silly because they met up in some field overlooking downtown seattle. i do not know my seattle geography very well but i am pretty sure that was the photo spot of the city, kind of like how everyone takes pictures in front of the white house in dc. nice setup bachelor camera guys, very original. thanks for showing me the real seattle, you know, the part i can't see from the postcards.

then they went to the world's most garish mcmansion. if you did not watch the show (and you are lucky), this is the mcmansion to top all other mcmansions. it was like a little fake palazzo action with pillars. inside. the pillars were inside. i have never entered into the world of architectural criticism but i believe the pillars belong primarily on the outside of a house. if you live in a train station you can put some pillars on the inside, i dig that, but in your house just keep them outside. i do not want to have to walk around the structural support of your house.

also, and i am skipping ahead a bit here, shawntelle A's dad had some outlandish romanesque statue in his back yard of a dude carving himself out of a block of stone. it was hideous. i was hoping for some sort of perseus and medusa when i first saw it, but no, it was some american monstrosity and i hate it. i think the shawntelle A family should move into a real normal house instead of pretending to live in an oversized and poorly furnished art museum.

so naturally the shawntelle A family loved the dude, what's not to love, he's dumb and slow and that makes him gentlemanly. the dad took the dude down to the wine cellar (mcmansion staple, let me tell you every mcmansion must have a wine cellar. where else would they store their 900 bottles of yellowtail and one trophy bottle of some old italian stuff) and had a heart to heart and they're in love.

then the dude flew to south canada (northern maine really but lets be honest, by that point you might as well fly the tricolore because you are basically in france) to hang with the ashley that hasn't been booted yet. they bought lobsters (two lobsters for six people, smart thinking guys). ashley's family seemed sort of legit, her sister had a lot of tattoos and they had a mudroom thing with some of that foil insulation that i think is pretty rad.

my favorite part of this was discovering that ashley, who the show has subtitled as "dentist" all along, is not actually a dentist! that is right. all of crap-tv watching america thinks this chick is a dentist and nope, she is not a dentist. she's a dental student. i am going to start calling myself a dentist. i had my teeth cleaned a few times and i am somewhat familiar with the structure of the mouth and teeth. awesome, i'm a dentist. now when i go on the bachelorette or whatever (also if any of my male friends go on that show i am not watching, no way, i am forgetting you exist and destroying my television) i want to be called a dentist and not my actual job title. also all you real dental students out there need to update your resumes asap because according to the bachelor you are dentists now! forget the student loans, forget the tests and stuff, you're dentists. i want ashley to operate on my mouth, that is for sure.

then the dude went to california and hung with the embalmer chick shawntelle B. i was really dismayed that he was so disinterested in her job. i think it is cool. i do not want to be an embalmer but i was really very curious about the kiln/crematorium/oven jam. there were a lot of buttons. what is the "blower" for? does it make it hotter? does it blow stuff around? i want to know. shawntelle B, if you are out there, i will pretend to be in love with you for like a week if you tell me about the oven. just kidding, but i really do want to know about the oven.

then my very favorite part of the show, the dude went to charlotte north carolina and spent a whole day with emily and her five year old. yes, that five year old, the one she has been willfully neglecting for this whole time while she pursued love with a stranger who happens to be slightly above average attractiveness. i find this to be an exceptionally high quality life decision and i recommend all american women undertake the same action: accidentally have a child, then go on reality tv. this message sponsored by babysitters of america.

so sure enough the mom says that if the five year old doesn't like the dude then she doesnt' like the dude and it's all over. that is great decision number one of the day. i am commonly in the habit of basing my life on the wishes and desires of five year old children. just the other day i saw a five year old throw some wooden blocks around, so that is what i have been up to for the last 48 hours. it's been really great. my diet consists of pizza and macaroni and cheese, and i have removed words from my vocabulary at an alarming rate. it is great to run my life like a five year old.

then in the very next scene the mom was immediately a hypocrite, because her five year old (who is probably wearing makeup because i would not be surprised if the mom's application of seventeen tubes of mascara wafted through the air onto her daughter's eyelashes, seriously, this girl looks like a raccoon who got punched in each eye) did not like the dude one bit. so sure enough, here is the mom not immediately running from the set of the show, but giving the dude a little more time to get to know her daughter. i do not know whether this is mildly smart or extremely dumb, i will assume based on context that it is extremely dumb anyways and my reason is because it's reality tv and they are all dumb.

then the dude and the mom and the five year old boss of the mom went back to her house. now let me get this straight. she is 24. she is an admin at some children's hospital (where i assume the five year olds tell her what to do). she has a kid. she lives in a monster house that is impeccably furnished. how did this happen? i know her husband dude died or whatever, but what kind of race car driver buys a $1m life insurance policy at age 23? get real. where are the parents? what do they do? ten bucks says her dad is some bigshot at wells fargo or something. no way is the mom pulling down the bank to pay that mortgage, i do not believe it.

then the dude couldn't kiss the mom because he was worried about the kid. dude, if the kid is just now causing you to worry, you are like 8 weeks too late. next time you go on the bachelor i recommend you reconsider all the women with kids since you obviously do not know how to handle yourself.

then they recapped all the episode for like 10 minutes so i fast forwarded. i guess some people have such trouble paying attention that they can't remember what happened like 70 minutes ago. of course they are watching the bachelor, so maybe my standards are too high.

then they had the rose ceremony and i didn't even bother fast forwarding ebcause there are only four chicks. he booted shawntelle B the morgue chick. i actually had a thought that might benefit humanity and i was hoping he would boot the mom because then she could spend time with her child and not have to destroy any more lives, but no, she is still around. what a shame. ok that's enough actual caring for one day. shawntelle B did not really cry much which does not surprise me given that she sucks the blood out of dead bodies every day, but as you guys know i live for the tears so i was a little disappointed. i am waiting for the departure of that ashley chick because i predict the tears will flow.

recap of the recap: shawntelle B cremator chick gets booted. ashley is a fake dentist. emily the mom has the brain power of a five year old.

title: season 15 episode 6 subtitle: in memoriam

last week: i have honestly gotten so lazy at this point that i don't even want to remember what happened last week. i will therefore predict the past and you can tell me in the comments if i was accurate:
michelle went a little crazy
the dude was emotionally vacant
alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alumnus, apparel merchant, and trunk-junk-haver remained a contestant

this week:
with no introduction i learned that the dude and the chicks were in costa rica for this week's episode. i wonder if when the show began they told the chicks all of this stuff. i might actually be willing to prostrate myself before the viewing masses of network television if i got to go to vegas and costa rica for free. i think next week they're going to anguilla and that's not so bad either. if they have to sit in those villas all the time, though, it's not worth it. also i don't think any of the girls are good enough actresses to fake it, so i really think they didn't know.

so they suddenly arrive in costa rica after mugging for the camera in the airport and further embarassing themselves. why must the bachelor travel to a foreign country? it is embarassing enough that they could watch it online, but even more embarassing now that we bring these girls to these other places. they should do the show somewhere like the south where it would be hard to embarass our country. then maybe the locals could understand emily when she talks and translate for the rest of us.

the first group date went to shawntelle A again. i recall she is the one who flew in the magic helicopter with the terrible pilot and did the ocean floor walking. this time they took another helicopter up some volcano to a zipline. according to the dude this was "apparently" the longest zipline in the world. that isn't exciting at all. who cares if there is another longer zipline. that's a long zipline, have fun and stop paying attention to these arbitrary measures of greatness.

then it started raining. they were both very disappointed that their date was almost rained out. i think this is too stupid for words. costa rica is the rainforest. did you get that? rain forest. it rains there. if you do not like the rain you should not go to costa rica.

they ziplined anyways and it looked like your average tourist trap adventure destination. just once i would like to see the dude crack open a topo map and go for a real journey. maybe if we are really lucky the tv cameras won't be able to follow and the season will just end finally.

after the ziplining they had a really nice little date laid down outside. and guess what, it started raining again. i guess the producers did not realize that costa rica is the rain forest. rain. forest. come on producers, at least pop up a tent or something. also let's recall that this same scenario already happened during shawntelle A's first date when it also rained, and obviously the producers have not learned.

then the dude gave shawntelle A a rose. why am i even saying that. he kept shawntelle A. i refuse to allow bachelor-isms into my recap vocabulary. at some point during the episode she said she loved him. you actual bachelor watchers who seem to want him to be happy and find love might be interested in that.

for this week's group date the six other chicks (alli got an individual date for once, so she wasnt there) went re-pelling down the waterfall. the dude has got every single one of them saying re-pelling. oh, and it rained. i am really frustrated about the re-pelling because i have done my share of climbing in the past and i have re-pelled off of plenty of stuff. if you look closely while the girls re-pell, there are two ropes. there's the big white one that they use to let themselves down. then there's a thin blue one. that thin blue one is a top rope. it's attached to the top of the waterfall.

if you are not following, they are being lowered down slowly by other personnel. that white rope is basically meaningless.

if you are still not following, this means they're not in any danger and no mistake they make could cause them to fall. this means, of course, that all the screaming and crying is totally stupid because there is no risk. being afraid of heights is to this bogus re-pelling as being afraid of water is to an eyedropper.

then they got back and the dude didn't keep any chicks. i am sure all the real bachelor fans out there were shocked by this. i can hear it now: "omg omg, he like so didn't keep any of the girls, oh my god i feel soo bad for emily, she's so sweet and has a kid so she should win." no, emily should not win, she should be at home showing her child that there are better ways to find love than relying on the one guy the american broadcast company dug up who was stupid enough to go on the show.

also, michelle had a freakout or something and emily said something about her pushing away guys. i wonder if when she tries to push away guys she speaks even slower and slurs even more words.

oh yeah, at one point alli got scared of a beetle so she threw a wine glass at shawntelle A.

then apparel merchant alli travis had her individual date (no i am not calling it one-on-one). i knew nothing good could come of this because up to this point in the show she's only shown cleavage and smiled a lot, so i assumed the dude didn't know she was actually kind of dumb. they went into some cave and walked around, then laid down a blanket where it was already wet and had some drinks.

alli and the dude went to dinner on what appeared to be a floating sheet of plywood and the dude actually got sick of her. it is true, she was so dumb that the dude (who i thought was the dumbest person on the show) grew tired of her. unbelievable! at one point she said (paraphrase:) "cities were too difficult and people who live in cities think they're all that but they're really not that special just cuz they live in a city." i live in a city and i don't think i'm all that because of the city, i think i'm all that because i'm not seeking love on television. here is an equation for you alli: there are like 300 million people in america. 300 million - 30 is how many people are more all that than you right now. the other 30 are on that show with you.

after that, the dude pulled an unprecedented move and kicked alli off the show. phenomenal! i love that alli was the only one who tanked the individual date hard enough that she got booted. see you later alli, best of luck in your career as an abercrombie and fitch employee.

we did get some decent tears out of alli. she kept saying she felt stupid for crying about the whole thing. i would have started feeling stupid right when i signed the letter of intent to appear on the show, not when i got kicked off.

at one point michelle snuck into the dude's room. i'm not sure why this was important at all but i thought i would share because it happened.

after the alli date, there was the cocktail party, which i only loosely followed. i successfully fast forwarded straight to the end of the rose thing again. the dude kicked off jackie, the 28 year old artist from new york. he has thus removed two of the girls (the other being the manscaper) who probably deserved to stay because they have no career potential. jackie cried a decent bit as well because she felt as if she did not have the chance to prove herself to the dude. allow me to recommend actual dating in real life as a good opportunity to prove yourself to people. good luck actually dating after you explain to the guy that you already tried to find someone better on television, but seriously, give it a try.

summary:
michelle was a little crazy.
shawntelle A found a cool bug and alli got scared
it rained in the rainforest
everyone fake-repelled from a waterfall
alli got booted from the show
artist jackie also got the hook

my rigid wednesday schedule of bachelor blog updates may slip a little given the demise of my favorite character alli travis. i have lived the vast majority of my life without two weekly hours of the bachelor and it is screwing up my schedule. if you are saddened by this you should know two things:
1. your sadness is unwarranted and you should go read a better blog. just google "blog," i guarantee any of those authors cares more about their content
2. if you are still sad after completing the action in step 1, i am open to begging, favors (of the unsexual variety), snacks, cookies, bicycle parts, whining, or any other form of solicitation you choose to employ.

title: midweek post number two subtitle: don't go thinking like this is a regular thing

really there are three things to discuss here:

1. comment response because i try to give back to the readership and all that
2. npr article (yes you read that correctly)
3. wikipedia


1. the comment

the blog got a comment last week regarding the dude's choise of a green wedding topper. commenter "anonymous" asked some pertinent questions which i will do my best to answer with a healthy blend of cynicism and disgust. actually if i were reading a bachelor blog i would most certainly comment as "anonymous," so this commenter has my immediate respect. i try to be as anonymous as possible while writing the stupid thing, so i can commiserate.

anyways, commenter anonymous noticed that the junk in alli's trunk may have been a motivating factor in the selection of the smallest "cake" (cake topper) ever created. it was really more like a half-size tiered cupcake which is why i am convinced it was a cake topper.

commenter anonymous says "do you think the producers chose a small cake to show sensitivity towards this [junk in trunk] or should they have opted instead for a larger dessert(read: confiscated the entire wedding cake) to reinforce that in fact the bachelor will be undeterred (unlike her previous bf) based on the junk:trunk ratio?"

well let me tell you what i think, anonymous. i think they only sent one intern downstairs from the gigantic ugly suite, so he couldn't manage to steal more than the cake topper. it would have been quite a sight to see a sole intern scampering up the stairs with a full-size wedding cake, and i am certain that would have captured more attention.

i do appreciate the idea of junk size manipulation via pastry, though. commenter anonymous and i will keep our eyes open for additional instances of food presented to worthington kilbourne alumna alli travis and let you people know.


2. the npr article

npr wrote an article about the bachelor. i feel that this is somewhat newsworthy in itself and i will explain why in a moment. if you should so wish to subject yourself to the horror, here is the article. i don't care enough about this to add a real link so you're just going to have to copy and paste: http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2011/02/01/133402141/the-bachelor-is-science-fiction-a-crackpot-theory-you-can-get-behind

first, this brings rise to my opinion of the average npr consumer as one who decries the rise of modern mass media and subsequent downfall of human civility and culture while simultaneously tuning in to abc on monday nights to watch crappy television. although the comments are not bad, i bet there are a lot of other people reading npr on their ipads while eating soy-based products who are really angry that npr just bashed their favorite television program. i say this at the risk of horrific hypocrisy because i sometimes listen to npr and i clearly watch the bachelor, but i do both against my will. also i find ira glass's voice nearly as annoying as the bachelor dude's voice, i'm sorry. i like this american life but i cannot stand ira glass. did you know he is like 50? he sounds like he's 25.

it was a pretty funny article. it was sent to me by blog reader mollie whose name i will add to the roster of contributors which i believe now numbers like five or something.


3.wikipedia

i wanted to know how many episodes remain in the season so that i can find out when i get my tuesday nights back (yeah, tuesday, i watch it on hulu a day after, remember?). i discovered there are ten episodes which means we are only halfway through, which is grossly disappointing. i suspect the show will continue to decline in quality due to decreased number of girls to make fun of, and this is no good.

that is bad news, but i have worse news as well. on the wikipedia page there is a detailed chart of the bachelor show which explains exactly when and how each girl was voted off the show. it's unbelievable. here, check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bachelor_(season_15).

who makes this? i can tell you that i spend far too much time watching the show, even with my copious fast forwarding, and then i waste even more time and finger fatigue typing this crap up. i refuse to codify my thoughts into a chart, no way, that is not happening.

also, far be it from me to criticize a visualization of the bachelor, but the chart is really bad. i see episode 1 has red, which means eliminated. then i see no more red, i see blue, blue now means eliminated. when did that happen? why did that happen? if you are eliminated you should get the red box of shame. also, i don't care if the girls went on a group date or whatever, i just want to know two things: were they eliminated, and if so, did they cry after the rose ceremony? that tells me which episodes will make me laugh. if i hadn't watched any episodes i would go straight to the ones where the girls cried and watch the last 5 minutes to see the tears flow. if abc made a show titled "dumb girls crying after going on terrible reality shows and getting rejected" i would absolutely watch that.

title: season 15 episode 5 subtitle: each and every one of you

last week on the bachelor show:

shawntelle number 1 gets a date with a bogus helicopter ride and underwater walk
girls go on radio show to talk about their relationship history
ugly girl michelle gets a date and they repell (sic) off of a building

this week:

thankfully i had another trainer workout to conduct during my viewing of the bachelor show, so at least my body could grow while my mind atrophied away. if there are any doctors reading this blog (hey that is not so farfetched because one of the ashleys is a dentist and she is actually on the show) could you please tell me if i'm riding below threshold for 60 minutes while watching the bachelor, is the strength to brainpower ratio positive or negative? i suspect negative but i will continue to watch against my better judgment.

anyways, the episode this week began with an astounding announcement from that guy chris who writes the really crappy blog. he said there will be a one-on-one date. this really annoys me - why not just call them individual dates? you have group dates, you don't say they're "13-on-one" dates. needless to say the bachelor show does not fully comprehend the english language. then chris said there will be a group date. there will also be a "two-on-one" date where one of the chicks will certainly be forced to go home. the inanity of all of this is sickening and i refuse to comment.

the one on one date (screw it, i am calling it individual date) was with shawntelle B this week. i guess the dude has a real thing for girls named shawntelle because he's individual-dated both of them in the last two weeks. i foresee the dude coming back for a third bachelor event where the cast is comprised of the dude and 30 girls all named shawntelle or some form thereof. they could literally just number them shawntelle 1, shawntelle 2, 3, etc. this is what i would do if i were a producer of the show. someone who knows how to use a video camera should make a bachelor spoof show with 30 shawntelles.

shawntelle B and the dude went to the mall for their date. no i am not kidding you. the dude's big idea for a date was to take a girl on a shopping spree. i guess this would not be so bad if you were rich and had no brainpower because you could impress the girl without needing to say anything, but the dude actually likes to shop! i guess this is supposed to appeal to the broader bachelor watching audience and get them to say "awwww i loooove guys who shop this is so cute omg" so nice job producers on that one i guess. i really enjoyed watching the dude comment on these fancy clothes but i most particularly enjoyed the fact that this shawntelle had never been to a nice mall before and "didn't recognize the names on the stores." hey shawntelle, i'm male and the nicest clothes in my closet are made of gore-tex and i still know what fendi and balenciaga are.

so then shawntelle b comes back to the hotel suite (oh yeah, they're staying in this hotel in vegas, i forgot to mention that. it's the aria or something, and it is undoubtedly the nicest hotel the girls have ever seen, as they said themselves. the hyperbole on this show is really getting to me) and then she starts unpacking her fancy clothes. it was quite obvious that the girls were going to get jealous (girl comes in with like 20k in clothes and shows other girls) but nonetheless the producers asked shawntelle to comment on this in her little private video screening thing in case any bachelor-watchers missed that minor detail. thanks for conforming to
the lowest common denominator producers. if you had to explain that issue, you may want to start the next episode with a brief introduction to how to use the volume buttons on your remote because obviously bachelor watchers haven't got all their marbles.

i do not understand why she didn't just go around stuffing everything into bags. if it's all free, why not take advantage? the chicks can't even shopping spree right.

one of the things that the producers did not expose was the thought process behind taking girls to vegas to fall in love with them. i have never been to vegas but i was under the impression that you go to vegas to meet random chicks and gamble a lot, not fall in love and take girls to the mall. i know like at least a million single guys who would rather blow cash on some chick at prada than at the craps table. maybe the vegas tourism board should update their slogan from "what happens here stays here" to "come here to go shopping and find true love." i bet that would be a real big boon to the casino and strip club businesses.

anyways, for the group date (to follow the bachelor english format, the 8-on-1 date), the dude brought all the girls to the nascar track. the chicks literally fanned their faces with their hands when the dude crawled out of his nascar machine and said "hey ladies." to be fair i was sort of hot at that moment as well but that is because i was riding my bicycle. i can definitely see the producers saying to the dude "yo man, all these chicks are going to think you're really sexy when you drag your swollen body out of this race car" and the dude saying "oh yeah that is going to be awesome! i am so hot! girls love me!" and that is pretty much exactly what happened.

warning real bachelor content: the emily chick with the blonde hair who i cannot understand used to date some dude who was a nascar driver and he died in a plane crash but not until after she got pregnant so she was really sad. i thought that might be important if you are trying to follow along and it may factor in later.

i have to say out of all of the contrived dates this one was probably the most amusing. at least some of those dates looked like they might be a bit of fun in real life, like the underwater walking which although i disparage i would still totally do. you could drag me to the nascar track and put me in one of those emasculated racecars and i wouldn't even put it in gear. the dude was driving maybe 90 around the track, which leads me to believe they have an engine approximately the size of a large lawnmower. no way am i going to put on a fire suit to go 90, not a chance. also, the girls went even slower. the best proof of this fact is when shawntelle a said she was on the gas the whole time. this isn't mario kart! you have to use the brakes too, or else you're not going fast enough.

the dude was pretty excited by all the girls in their fake fire suits walking through burnout smoke which i thought was hilarious because i don't find the fire suit to be a particularly sensuous look.

so because emily was getting all of this attention, all the other chicks were getting mad. alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway, and bachelor cleavage queen, said some hostile things which were pretty funny. i was just so shocked when she was featured for more than 5 seconds that i do not really remember what she said.

after all the racing around emily got the rose for having the boyfriend who died in the plane crash but not until after she got pregnant when she was like 18 and then abandoned her child to go on a reality show to find a husband which is probably a great life lesson for her impressionable offspring.

then the two on one date happened with both the ashleys. this was stupid because they're friends. i don't even want to talk about it. they went to cirque du soleil. even though the producer of that event seems to be a native english speaker, he spoke in some sort of broken english that can only be understood by bachelor fans. it was unbelievable, i do not know how he communicates. this is just like the drunk helicopter pilot, the show cannot even find reasonable people to be on it. anyways, he kicked off the ashley who was a nanny, which i think is great because nanny is one of the only "careers" worth stopping to be on the bachelor. thank god she can return to her nanny job asap! good thing the other ashley who is a dentist can forgot thousands in potential income to seek love on national television. i would never get a cavity filled by a bachelor contestant. i would never have a bachelor contestant as a nanny or even my apparel merchant either, so maybe i am not the best test case here.

also if i ever go to cirque du soleil and people from the bachelor come on, i am going to heckle so loud they will throw me out of the state. my heckling will make the papers it will be so forceful. i will be renowned among hecklers worldwide.

then they had a cocktail party pre rose ceremony, where alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway, and bachelor cleavage queen actually had some legit screen time with the dude. she was all sad because she didn't feel special so he brought her a cake. she was thrilled. it wasn't even really a cake, actually, it was like a small tiered brownie. if someone brought me that cake i wouldn't be thrilled, i would ask them where the other two thirds of it were. this "cake" was like getting a fun size snickers bar, yeah, thanks a lot, where is the rest of it. i bet the producer said "you know what would be really nice is if the dude gave this girl a cake. hey intern, go downstairs to the casino and get us a cake!" and then the intern ran downstairs and crashed a wedding and stole the cake topper, because that is about the size of this "cake" that alli got. somewhere there is a couple whose vegas wedding photos have no cake topper and just a big ugly hole in the top of the cake.

then they rose ceremonied. i would like to take a moment and congratulate myself on my hulu machine fast-forwarding skills here because two weeks in a row i have skipped right through the whole thing down to the very last rose. i am really getting good. the dude booted marissa, who is the sports publicist. i can't believe i remembered her name. he also booted another girl who has just a heck of a lot of curly brown hair. she really let the tears roll, too. i was off the bike by this point and eating some ritz crackers and peanut butter as a snack. big hair girl started crying, and i had to open another roll of crackers. i opened the roll, removed a few crackers, peanut buttered them up, and i was wondering what had happened to the show - i thought i'd lost the stream or something. but no, big hair girl was still silently sobbing away. it had to be a good 30 second cry, it was really impressive. i mean i know the show is already the length of a short movie every single week. maybe they could cut some of this stuff out and get it down to a more reasonable length. but seriously big hair girl, nice cry, i think you've got the skills to take you to the top of the world crying competition in the marathon category.

recap:
shawntelle B gets an individual date.
cirque du soleil happens.
alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway, bachelor cleavage queen, and tiny-cake connoisseur remains on the show again (how is this happening)

title: season 15 episode 4 subtitle: i feel a real connection with all these 14 girls

brief recap from last week:

southern accent girl (whose name i now recall to be ashley H) "way-ent tew the re-cohr-deen stewdio and sayng her 'fay-vuh-rit saw-ung'"
all the girls faked an action movie and it was really lame
alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant" and top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway was concerned about pit stains.

this week:

unfortunately i already worked out before watching the show so my previous week's distraction of bicycle riding was unavailable to me as a divergence. this week i sort of turned the show on while i made some pasta dinner and ate, and then took a mid-show break to talk on the phone and try to revive my brain cells with intelligent conversation. i think that failed.

i think the show began with one of the chicks getting a group date. the chick who got the group date was one of the many chantal/chantel/shantel/shawntels on the show. it was the same chick who i guess was the most badass in the fake movie thing the previous week, which really just means she didn't squeak when she was fake-kicking and probably looked good while sweaty.

the dude and shawntelle (this is what i am going to call both of them because i can't keep them straight) number 1 got into a helicopter outside the house, which really really excited a lot of the girls in the house. this is mildly amusing because i remember back in my elementary school days a helicopter came to school and we got to learn about medivac and that stuff, and i was pretty excited. i think helicopters are still pretty cool but i have never once, not even then, squealed at the sight of a helicopter. i have since been in a few helicopters and flown about, and wouldn't you know it, no squealing. maybe helicopters release those primal squealing instincts in women.

i was actually a little concerned about the helicopter scene, partly for the girls' mental health (which is already limited so the producers shouldn't excite them like that) and mainly for the fact that the helicopter got real close to some of the fake palm trees. i knew the show was bad but it appears to me as if they cannot even contract a decent helicopter pilot. he landed that think like it was scene of the Perfect Storm, not some ugly socal villa.

so they were flying around southern california in a helicopter and they went out to some island (catalina?) and landed. except the helicopter that landed was a blue and grey helicopter, and the helicopter that took off from the house in the first place was red and yellow. did they think we wouldn't notice? i noticed, bachelor idiots! why did you switch helicopters? you must explain these things to us. my suspicion is that they leased one helicopter to take off from the villa for like 30 minutes, and another one to "land" at catalina for like 10 minutes, and they took a boat over because they want to cut costs. i actually googled that answer and realize that my suspicion is probably wrong because catalina is only like 22 miles from LA, in which case it makes even less sense that they switched helicopters. i do not get it. maybe answer girl commenter bachelor expert leah can help out.

once they landed at catalina they went on a boat to go into the water in some sort of scuba (not really because it wasn't self-contained but i digress) helmet thing that allows you to breathe. naturally the ocean is the biggest fear of shawntelle 1 (surprise!) so she was "like so scared" and needed to be comforted by the dude. she finally hardened up and went in the water for a while, during which time they held hands and walked on the ocean floor. this is not really a criticism of the bachelor so much as these ocean helmets, but who wants to walk in the ocean? have you ever tried to walk in the pool? it is slow. you should really swim, which you cannot do with these silly helmets. this is like going on the space shuttle and not being able to fly around in zero gravity. boring. leave it to the bachelor to pick the most boring way to exploit some poor impressionable insecure girl's fears. at least let her have some fun while she is down there!

so then they went to some seaside little setup, which of course had a bed. every bachelor date setup has a bed, and this annoys me because they never sleep in them. it is not like they are going to get real physical on network tv, so why bother with the bed? they cut the budget in the stupidest places, and then they blow it all on trucking beds into strange locations. the dude and shawntelle 1 did get a little snuggly on the bed which i guess is alright but you can get just as snuggly on a big couch. she told him how they have a connection and he told her the same thing and that he liked that she would make fun of him and then they kissed for a little bit.

meanwhile back at the ugly villa the 13 or whatever remaining girls were all sitting on the same giant couch as always and talking to each other. that chris guy who writes the terrible blog came in to tell them who was on the group date and it was everyone except for michelle the ugly obnoxious girl and emily, that blonde girl who i can't really understand when she talks, but she's got the race car driver husband who died a while ago. i think there were some other girls he left behind but i can't pay that much attention or i start to forget important things. ugly girl michelle was happy she didn't get the group date because she is still waiting for "her time" with the dude.

oh also ugly girl michelle woke up with a black eye. i am not even going to spend time wondering about this because that is what she wants us to do. i know she painted that thing on with makeup, sorry ugly girl michelle, i am onto your tricks. oh also bachelor blog reader who i have had the pleasure of meeting, brooke, has informed me that ugly girl michelle had an affair with some nba player and he's married. this is information so vapid that it nearly failed to vibrate my eardrums and synthesize in my brain, but i thought you guys might like to know. so the score on bachelor blog information sending is kelly: 2, leah: 1, brooke: 1. for the sake of all of you people i hope that you do not take it upon yourself to look up bachelor related things, but if somehow you stumble upon them accidentally and need to rid yourself of the burden, you can put them in the comments i guess.

they did a group date where all the chicks went on some dumb radio show about their past relationships. the southern girl ashley h (fay-vuh-rit saw-ung girl) who actually lives in new york went sort of nuts. shawntelle 2 revealed that she had cheated on someone in college and the radio guys jumped on her and said "well you shouldn't hav ebeen with him in the first place huh, HUH, HUH???" and it was annoying so i fast forwarded.

throughout all of this group date thing alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, and top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway did pretty much nothing for the fourth week in a row.

then ugly girl michelle had her one on one date where they took the same red and yellow helicopter (lease that thing for the two-day deal package, gotta get some use out of it) to the top of some building. they were going to rappel off the building, at least i think that is what they did, because the dude in all of his genius kept calling it RE-pelling. "we gonna re-pell off this here buildin yall hear what i am gonna do i just want you to be happy are you serious." dude: it's rAppel. not repell, although i find you and this entire show very repellent.

ugly girl michelle is afraid of heights (surprise!) so she was "freaking out" about it. actually she was "freaking out" about the helicopter ride too. in total, i think she had about five verbalized "freaking out" moments, which i believe is a new high for the bachelor show. nice work ugly girl michelle, you stink.

they re-pelled down the builing (my coworker mike noticed that they stopped exactly where the cameras were, which is an excellent observation and i think overrules his previous statement that he finds ugly girl michelle to be quite attractive, which i think is totally ridiculous but thanks anyways for the camera note). they then went to the pool and the dude dove in with all his clothes on, and i think that is the second time he did this. i like to take most of my clothes off before going in water because i find it to be both easier to swim in the pool and easier to get dressed afterwards, but i recognize that the dude may feel differently about that particular issue.

at one point the dude took emily out to some special event thing and i have to say she makes me hate everything southern even more than i already did. her voice is much more offensive than fay-vuh-rit saw-ung girl's voice, in fact it is barely intelligible.

at the infamous rose ceremony (which i fast forwarded through again) i saw at the end that he kicked off three chicks who i did not care about at all. none of them were particularly concerned about never finding love again but one of them did proceed to jog/walk off the set in the strangest manner i have ever viewed. she held her arms up around her shoulders and sort of danced off, like it was really icy and she was trying to keep her balance or something. this was probably the best part of the show for me because i laughed a great deal at her. i was surprised to see that the dude kept alli travis (fill in information here) on the show because she has done absolutely nothing and she has presented nothing to the show or to the dude. i am sick of her and i find her to be a poor representation of worthington kilbourne high school because i assure you that if i were ever so unfortunate as to find myself on reality television, i would at least make some sarcastic remark and cause everyone else to feel inadequate and stupid.

summary: ugly girl michelle remains, southern girl ashley h "freaks out" and yet the dude still keeps her, dude makes out with the blonde haired britt girl a lot. alli travis does nothing again which is really not even noteworthy at this point anymore so i am sorry for stringing you guys along.

first ever bachelor blog mid-week update subtitle: look i actually read comments and emails

welcome to the first ever mid-week bachelor blog update. i know it is hard to wait until monday nights or whenever you people watch the show, so to help your withdrawal headaches (or contribute to your headaches, depends how much you like the blog) i have this mid-week release. (sidenote: in competitive sailing there are mid-summer regattas and mid-winter regattas. of course they are mid-summer/winter. how is it possible to fall outside of the bounds of winter and not be mid-fall or mid-spring? it is ridiculous. however, mid-week in the context of tv shows makes sense, because the show airs on monday and here it is friday and thus it is the middle of the week.)

our lovely blog commenter named leah, who i have not had the fortune to meet, has added some essential bachelor show information that answers some of the pressing questions i aired last time.

leah says "1. kiss from a rose...they give out roses on the show...it's really subtle" (i see this blogger thing has some quote button where i could set this quote apart and make it look fancy but obviously i will neglect that option for the far easier method that i have herein selected)

i still stand by the fact that the bachelor show producers knew perfectly well that the southern girl loved this kiss from a rose song before they played it. conveniently enough it happens to also have some parallels to the key bachelor plot element which is the rose. i am pleased to see that the bachelor has co-opted the rose as its own signature item. i am not sure if this has affected the floral industry or america's general perception of the rose very much, but i can certainly say that i will never be able to proffer a rose with the same level of seriousness that i once had.

however, i suppose that given the song title "kiss from a rose" one could possibly infer that they chose the song and then found out that the southern girl loved it later on. this might be reasonable if the show didn't totally stink.

also, lovely blog commenter leah who i have not had the fortune to meet had this earth-shattering piece of information to add "when a girl leaves, she just counts as one of the three that was going to leave anyway, so another girl gets to stay instead of her (i know you were DYING to know that part)" (imagine fancy blogger quote box here if you are picky about that sort of thing)

what i infer from this news is that the fang girl's untimely departure saved some other girl's butt (not ally's, she probably thinks hers is too big to be saved by just one such incident) from similar demise. i can see this really making the dude angry. if i were the dude i would be all "yo i was gonna kick off that crazy chick michelle but then the fang chick walked off and now i have to put up with her for another week, nuts." actually i wouldn't be all like that, because that was at least 10 different words and that has to double the dude's vocabulary, which in my brief tenure as a bachelor viewer seems to consist entirely of: "i just want you to be happy" repeated.

and finally, lovely reader kelly who i have indeed had the fortune to meet, has forwarded this:

i thought i was too cynical to be surprised about anything anymore, but imagine my shock when i saw people magazine "vetting" the dude! it is like when a president has to appoint a new supreme court justice and everyone goes about "vetting" them. i hate the word vetting because you never hear it for a year and then suddenly you hear it twice a minute for a week, and then you never hear it again. it is really a testament to the quality of the bachelor that i care more about the word vetting than i do about the dude's previous encounters with alcohol.

also there are a lot of other bachelor blogs out there and they are pretty serious business. this people article has this comment which i think is the most phenomenal situation with regard to the bachelor that i have ever seen: Robin Crawley Kitzman writes "Everyone makes mistakes, if anyone has the audacity to chasitse this man for things he has done over 20 years ago, shame on you. No one is the same person you were 20 years ago. Brad, I fnd you completely amazing and I hope you find love, you deserve it!"

well robin, i am actually going to chasitse you for the fact that you are so excited over the bachelor that you appear to have forgotten that facebook comments on people magazine may not be the best way to get the dude to notice you. don't you know you could have just gone on the bachelor?