last week: i have honestly gotten so lazy at this point that i don't even want to remember what happened last week. i will therefore predict the past and you can tell me in the comments if i was accurate:
michelle went a little crazy
the dude was emotionally vacant
alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alumnus, apparel merchant, and trunk-junk-haver remained a contestant
this week:
with no introduction i learned that the dude and the chicks were in costa rica for this week's episode. i wonder if when the show began they told the chicks all of this stuff. i might actually be willing to prostrate myself before the viewing masses of network television if i got to go to vegas and costa rica for free. i think next week they're going to anguilla and that's not so bad either. if they have to sit in those villas all the time, though, it's not worth it. also i don't think any of the girls are good enough actresses to fake it, so i really think they didn't know.
so they suddenly arrive in costa rica after mugging for the camera in the airport and further embarassing themselves. why must the bachelor travel to a foreign country? it is embarassing enough that they could watch it online, but even more embarassing now that we bring these girls to these other places. they should do the show somewhere like the south where it would be hard to embarass our country. then maybe the locals could understand emily when she talks and translate for the rest of us.
the first group date went to shawntelle A again. i recall she is the one who flew in the magic helicopter with the terrible pilot and did the ocean floor walking. this time they took another helicopter up some volcano to a zipline. according to the dude this was "apparently" the longest zipline in the world. that isn't exciting at all. who cares if there is another longer zipline. that's a long zipline, have fun and stop paying attention to these arbitrary measures of greatness.
then it started raining. they were both very disappointed that their date was almost rained out. i think this is too stupid for words. costa rica is the rainforest. did you get that? rain forest. it rains there. if you do not like the rain you should not go to costa rica.
they ziplined anyways and it looked like your average tourist trap adventure destination. just once i would like to see the dude crack open a topo map and go for a real journey. maybe if we are really lucky the tv cameras won't be able to follow and the season will just end finally.
after the ziplining they had a really nice little date laid down outside. and guess what, it started raining again. i guess the producers did not realize that costa rica is the rain forest. rain. forest. come on producers, at least pop up a tent or something. also let's recall that this same scenario already happened during shawntelle A's first date when it also rained, and obviously the producers have not learned.
then the dude gave shawntelle A a rose. why am i even saying that. he kept shawntelle A. i refuse to allow bachelor-isms into my recap vocabulary. at some point during the episode she said she loved him. you actual bachelor watchers who seem to want him to be happy and find love might be interested in that.
for this week's group date the six other chicks (alli got an individual date for once, so she wasnt there) went re-pelling down the waterfall. the dude has got every single one of them saying re-pelling. oh, and it rained. i am really frustrated about the re-pelling because i have done my share of climbing in the past and i have re-pelled off of plenty of stuff. if you look closely while the girls re-pell, there are two ropes. there's the big white one that they use to let themselves down. then there's a thin blue one. that thin blue one is a top rope. it's attached to the top of the waterfall.
if you are not following, they are being lowered down slowly by other personnel. that white rope is basically meaningless.
if you are still not following, this means they're not in any danger and no mistake they make could cause them to fall. this means, of course, that all the screaming and crying is totally stupid because there is no risk. being afraid of heights is to this bogus re-pelling as being afraid of water is to an eyedropper.
then they got back and the dude didn't keep any chicks. i am sure all the real bachelor fans out there were shocked by this. i can hear it now: "omg omg, he like so didn't keep any of the girls, oh my god i feel soo bad for emily, she's so sweet and has a kid so she should win." no, emily should not win, she should be at home showing her child that there are better ways to find love than relying on the one guy the american broadcast company dug up who was stupid enough to go on the show.
also, michelle had a freakout or something and emily said something about her pushing away guys. i wonder if when she tries to push away guys she speaks even slower and slurs even more words.
oh yeah, at one point alli got scared of a beetle so she threw a wine glass at shawntelle A.
then apparel merchant alli travis had her individual date (no i am not calling it one-on-one). i knew nothing good could come of this because up to this point in the show she's only shown cleavage and smiled a lot, so i assumed the dude didn't know she was actually kind of dumb. they went into some cave and walked around, then laid down a blanket where it was already wet and had some drinks.
alli and the dude went to dinner on what appeared to be a floating sheet of plywood and the dude actually got sick of her. it is true, she was so dumb that the dude (who i thought was the dumbest person on the show) grew tired of her. unbelievable! at one point she said (paraphrase:) "cities were too difficult and people who live in cities think they're all that but they're really not that special just cuz they live in a city." i live in a city and i don't think i'm all that because of the city, i think i'm all that because i'm not seeking love on television. here is an equation for you alli: there are like 300 million people in america. 300 million - 30 is how many people are more all that than you right now. the other 30 are on that show with you.
after that, the dude pulled an unprecedented move and kicked alli off the show. phenomenal! i love that alli was the only one who tanked the individual date hard enough that she got booted. see you later alli, best of luck in your career as an abercrombie and fitch employee.
we did get some decent tears out of alli. she kept saying she felt stupid for crying about the whole thing. i would have started feeling stupid right when i signed the letter of intent to appear on the show, not when i got kicked off.
at one point michelle snuck into the dude's room. i'm not sure why this was important at all but i thought i would share because it happened.
after the alli date, there was the cocktail party, which i only loosely followed. i successfully fast forwarded straight to the end of the rose thing again. the dude kicked off jackie, the 28 year old artist from new york. he has thus removed two of the girls (the other being the manscaper) who probably deserved to stay because they have no career potential. jackie cried a decent bit as well because she felt as if she did not have the chance to prove herself to the dude. allow me to recommend actual dating in real life as a good opportunity to prove yourself to people. good luck actually dating after you explain to the guy that you already tried to find someone better on television, but seriously, give it a try.
summary:
michelle was a little crazy.
shawntelle A found a cool bug and alli got scared
it rained in the rainforest
everyone fake-repelled from a waterfall
alli got booted from the show
artist jackie also got the hook
my rigid wednesday schedule of bachelor blog updates may slip a little given the demise of my favorite character alli travis. i have lived the vast majority of my life without two weekly hours of the bachelor and it is screwing up my schedule. if you are saddened by this you should know two things:
1. your sadness is unwarranted and you should go read a better blog. just google "blog," i guarantee any of those authors cares more about their content
2. if you are still sad after completing the action in step 1, i am open to begging, favors (of the unsexual variety), snacks, cookies, bicycle parts, whining, or any other form of solicitation you choose to employ.
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