title: season 15 episode 2 subtitle: "i am freaking out. i am freaking OUT."

brief recap from last week:
dude from previous bachelor show returns to bachelor because he was dumb enough to screw up the first time and somehow NOT pick a wife out of a house full of chicks
worthington kilbourne high school prom queen and reality tv show star alli travis showed the dude her ass
there was a girl with fangs

episode 2 started with the bachelor dude picking one of the girls (whose name i have since forgotten since there are like 20 girls on the show) to go on a date with him. she got all prettied up in some cocktail type dress and they got into an aston martin (i am sure the dude drives an aston martin in real life, he totally seems like the type to drive a roadster and not a big ugly loud pickup truck...) and drove out of LA. somehow in like 5 minutes they were in the countryside where it was so dark that the girl was "freaking out" which she said about five times.

side note: "freaking out" is probably the most popular emotion of the girls on the bachelor show. this one girl alone conducted enough "freaking out's" for all of them, yet they still seem to all "freak out" all the time. if they ever make a halloween-themed bachelor show it will be unintelligible because the girls will all be freaking out even more, if that is even possible.

so meanwhile, back in the aston martin, five minutes out of LA, it's dark. i have never been to LA so perhaps i am unqualified to make this statement, and i am also aware of the capabilities of TV film cutting, but i find it unreasonable to assume that the chick's long hair could be undisturbed after however much time it takes to get to the countryside from LA in a convertible car. very unrealistic. at least she did not have to "freak out" about the state of her hairstyle.

finally the aston martin and dude and chick arrived in some dark open field, and the chick flipped a switch and a gigantic carnival came to life in the middle of the field. i guess this would be pretty cool except there was no one operating the carnival, but somehow all the rides still worked. what a mystery. so they had a nice wonderful time at the carnival and then made out on the ferris wheel, during which time the bachelor dude put his big dude paw on the girl's face like he was palming a basketball, and i laughed at him. oh, and she had the most wonderful night of her life. she gets to stay for next week, where undoubtedly she will model her apparently world-class hairspray techniques again.

then i guess they roadstered back to the house and the dude had a big pool party with all the chicks, where this old bag whose name started with an M was talking about how she was turning 30 and she was pissy because there were all these other girls and she was turning 30 and didn't want to share it with anyone but the dude and she was turning 30 and oh my gosh these girls are such bitches and didn't she mention she was turning 30. it was tiresome. so all the girls fought over the dude and "had to get their time with him" which is usually the second most uttered phrase on the bachelor show after "freaking out" and usually the two are used in conjunction, such as "i was freaking out i didn't get my time with him." if you just repeat that line like 32 times and envision some well-dressed women, you don't need to watch the episode if you don't want to.

so after this old chick talking about her birthday for like 30 minutes the dude gave her a rose too, which was bogus because 1. who cares about birthdays and 2. she cried. but it was cool because all the other girls were mad at her.

so right when i was like "yo where's the rose ceremony dude?" the show ended and unbeknownst to me there is a PART TWO which i guess aired right after part one, and that is just too much bachelor for one night so i gave up and recuperated. i do not get this, i allocated like 45 minutes to watch a tv show because it's a tv show and that's how long they take, so what the hell.

the next night that i watched was part two, where i guess the dude had to pick another girl for a date, so he chose this artist chick from new york, later to discover that she's only had two boyfriends and doesn't like to date, so why the hell is she on the bachelor. after this hot tip you would think he would have de-rosified her immediately, but no, they had a private concert and he gave her a rose and she giggled a lot and oh it was the most wonderful night of her life. i don't know how it could be the most wonderful night if you knew your dude had just made out with some chick on a ferris wheel the night before but whatever artist girl, i get that you are open to this polyamorous stuff.

then there was a cocktail party and this blonde waitress got into a fight with the "manscaper" (no joke she calls herself a manscaper, i do not ever want to be "scaped" by anyone who calls themselves a manscaper) and the fight was extremely stupid because i had no idea what they were fighting about (that could have been because i was reading an article about kim andersen and leopard-trek and his connections with spanish doping circles in cycling but that's my own fault).

anyways, alli was not involved in any of this stuff so that was cool i guess.

then these two people were introduced and all the girls screamed and i had no idea who they were for like 5 minutes, but i guess they were old bachelor people and so they are so important that they didn't need a bio. they helped the dude choose his chicks for the day which i think is hilarious because if i were one of his buddies i would just pick all the crazy ones and watch him try to sort it out later because i'm a great friend like that. but also if i were friends with him i would probably have to say "thank you so much, so nice to meet you, i just want you to be happy" and all those overpolite phrases that are seeping out of my skull to this moment.

so finally the rose ceremony happened and i fast forwarded to the end because lets face it the only interesting part is the end anyways, and he kicked off the two chicks that fought, and also the rockette girl who is so peppy it hurts my face. she cried and cried and now no guys will want to be with her because she spent 5 minutes talking about how desperate she was for a man, nice move "keltie." i bet the dude kicked her off because he couldn't spell her name. worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, and ex-girlfriend of our starting center alli travis remains on the bachelor where she will likely not say anything for a third week in a row and continue to annoy me.