never before in my life have i watched an entire episode of any network-broadcast reality television show (this does not include MTV of which i am a connoisseur), so this "bachelor" show was a new phenomenon to me. allow me to recap my prior knowledge of this bachelor show.
1. i knew there was one guy and like a whole bunch of chicks
2. i knew the one guy had to pick one of the chicks to marry
3. i knew that when he picked the chicks they got roses and then they got to come back next week
4. i was pretty sure they all lived in a big house together
5. i assumed this whole process took a long time
that is all i knew. so imagine my surprise when i begin watching the show and all i see is some unshaven man who can best be described as a "dude" with a really annoying accent being interviewed BY ANOTHER MAN. this is not what i tuned in to see. i want to see the "dude" picking girls.
then after the dude was introduced, there was some mention made of him being the same dude as was on this very same bachelor show a few years ago, but he's changed and he wants another chance at picking his dream girl from a randomly selected group of very attractive women, none of whom he knows. this made no sense to me so i fast-forwarded my hulu machine to the part where the girls started coming in.
i must add one more thing to the list of previous bachelor show knowledge that i had, which is that i knew there were like 30 girls on the show. i was unaware, however, that all 30 of them arrive in copious quantities of limos (which i really believe to be the same limo that just goes back and picks up 5 more girls so that the production co can save money). and i was most certainly unaware that each girl does like a 1 minute introduction to the "dude" during which time i was astounded to find out that some of them were extremely strange, such as one girl WHO HAS FANGS.
i will let that sink in for a second.
so eventually these 6 limos (one limo, let's be real) roll up and girls get out, and after like two limos i got bored of this (because alli was in limo #1) so i fast forwarded again.
then all the girls (30 girls! that is a lot) were in the big house and they were milling about as this "dude" came in, and apparently he was supposed to talk to all 30 of them at one point or another. i have to admit, at this point i was watching the buckeyes game on espn3 on mute and simply listening to the bachelor for anything unusual, at which point i would flip back to the bachelor tab and watch that to see what was so interesting, and when the dude asked the fanged girl about her fangs i definitely flipped to that part too.
so here i am, the first male in history to watch football with a bachelor soundtrack, and suddenly i hear the mellifluous voice of alli travis, former worthington kilbourne high school prom queen and current abercrombie and fitch employee, and she interrupts some other girl who was talking to the dude and explains to him that she once had a boyfriend who dumped her because she "had too much junk in the trunk" i'm not kidding, and she turned around to the dude/bachelor and showed him her ass (which is not really that much junk IMO) and asked him "if he could handle this" which she said twice, and he looked at her very strangely and replied that he could indeed handle her trunk of junk.
so at this point i realize that this show is a total winner and i must watch on (listen on and watch the football game really) so i continue along until i discover that he has some sort of "first impression rose" that he is to give to a girl who made a good first impression. it seems to me that showing a dude your ass is not the best way to win this rose but apparently that is what alli decided to do, fine product of a worthington education that she is. anyways, the dude picked some nondescript girl named sarah, i think, which is ridiculous because THERE WAS A GIRL WITH FANGS.
then the real rose ceremony comes, where the dude asks the girls if they will accept his rose, which also makes no sense because of course they're gonna accept the rose, half the chicks are body waxers who were desperate came on the show in the first place, they're not gonna turn you down dude. so needless to say there are 30 GIRLS which is a lot of girls, so this took forever, so i went back to watching the game until i heard him say "alli" and then she got excited and then some other girls got rejected and the show ended.
this took 1.5 hours.
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