title: season 15 episode 3 (in which i ride the trainer) subtitle: emotional overload

brief recap from last week:

really old girl with duck face fights with younger girl who scapes men (but not women, she is a specialist you see) and they both get kicked off.
dumb bachelor dude drives $120k car around the countryside five minutes outside of los angeles and goes to a carnival where he, for the first time in his life, is not a carnie.
all girls get attached to the dude

this week:

i have decided that spending 1.5 hours per week watching the bachelor show is a disgrace and a huge waste of time, but nonetheless i trudge on with our journey as i have discovered a way to make this time more useful. so i set up the hulu machine in front of my bicycle trainer (like a stationary bike, kind of, but it's not really important) and did a workout while watching the bachelor show. i am fairly convinced that this is probably the most productive thing to ever come out of the bachelor so i will stick with it. unfortunately, doing a workout while watching the bachelor just makes me want the show to be over even sooner than i had previously hoped for, so this could be an issue.

this week's bachelor opened with a group date and honestly i can barely remember who the dude took on teh date but i do recall that she had a southern accent and was from new york and she is one of the two ashleys (i think, i could be wrong, it's hard to keep track because there are like 20 girls). i am pretty sure it was southern accent girl because i remember her saying "ah wheeeeeel" at one point which i guess means "i will" in southern, who knew.

they went to a recording studio where surprise surprise the southern girl "freaked out" (i am not kidding she said that) because she always gets so nervous when she has to sing. so they were going to sng that seal song that was on the radio like 10 hours a day back in the day. wouldn't you know it, that's southern accent girl's favorite song (fay-vuh-rit saw-ung!) so she was pretty thrilled. i have to admit confusion because the dude says he sucks at singing so i don't know why he is going around picking dates to do things that he is bad at and does not enjoy but if he is trying to expand his horizons that is cool with me i suppose. also i am confused that out of all the songs the bachelor show could hav epicked to sing, they chose this seal song which the southern girl loves so much, i am sure she did not tell anyone at ABC what her favorite song (fay-vuh-rit saw-ung!) was, not a chance.

i don't get why the bachelor show didn't just tell us that they knew it was her favorite song because in the next scene (after the dude stumbled around the hallways and was clearly being directed by production staff, awesome) seal sang the song to them. oh what do you know, they magically pick this girl's favorite song (fay-vuh-rit saw-ung!) and just happen to have seal right there, it is random i am certain. tell us the truth abc. bachelor viewers demand better from you! (yeah right they didnt' notice)

so after the little seal concert the dude gave the southern girl a rose so she gets to stay which is really much to my dismay because as some of you may know i really hate the southern accent and would prefer that, if she must remain, she politely shut her mouth for the remainder of the season, or, barring that, perhaps abc could give me some subtitles so i could mute it when she comes on the screen.

then they did this group date thing which i guess is a bachelor show staple (i learn so much!) and they went to a studio (movie, this time) to film a fake action movie. this would have been a cool movie if it were about how to not actually kick someone or even make it look like you kick them. it was like watching a tae bo video but with less kicking and less sweat and more kissing. my favorite part was when one of the chicks hit some dude with a fire extinguisher that she held in one hand. have you ever held a fire extinguisher? i know i am just a little guy here but they are heavy! i do not think chantel 2 (i think they spell it differently but i forget which is which) can hold a fire extinguisher in one hand like a football.

oh, also, alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, and top-5 loudest people on senior hallway, dropped some outstanding lines. being the "apparel merchant" that she is (that means works at abercrombie and fitch) she was very concerned about pit stains on her unusually-shaped "shirt." i am not sure what the definition of "shirt" is, but this item requires a very liberal read of the official description because it did not cover her stomach or her breasts, but it did cover her shoulders. i was not really aware that this was possible until i saw our favorite apparel merchant wearing such a thing and indeed it does seem to function as some sort of loosely socially acceptable upper body covering. amusingly enough, this construction did indeed have fabric over her armpits so pitstains could have been a factor. far be it from me to suggest an alternative that abercrombie and fitch might wish to stock, but in the pit stain prevention department, might i recommend something that does not cover your armpits? i have seen numerous tank tops that would serve this purpose adequately.

the dude gave some girl a rose at this point, and i am pretty sure he gave it to the chantel 2 chick who was kind of a badass at the fake kicking stuff and seemed to have a good grasp of the kissing too.

i think it is funny that the other girls get jealous when the dude kisses other chicks. hey chicks, you came on a show with other chicks and only one dude. what did you think was gonna happen? he is gonna kiss the other chicks, that is why he is on the show. this is not that hard to figure out.

prime candidate in this train of thought is that michelle girl who is 1. ugly and 2. obnoxious. i discovered she got a rose at the end of the whole thing but it took me a minute because i fast forwarded so i had to pay close attention to her smug grin to figure it out.

the dude had a second date too, with this blonde barbie kind of girl whose name also escapes me. she has a kid, that is really all that has to be said, or i risk bringing too much legitimacy to this bachelor blog, she got a rose.

there was a cocktail party (another bachelor tradition i am finding) during which alli travis, who at this point needs no introduction, told hte bachelor that the bow on her dress meant that she was a present and she was all wrapped up and was waiting for him to unwrap her or tear her apart or rip her open or something mildly vulgar that i laughed at when she said but now i can't remember. i am not sure if she knew what she was saying or not but it was pretty silly.

lest we forget i am still working up a sweat on the trainer so at this point i am really ready for this show to be over but no, it is 1.5 hours long.

also in this cocktail party (i do not get it, every party has drinks and these girls drink all the time, so why specify it as a cocktail party. also where do the girls get the dresses, there are like 1000 per girl, they need another house just for the dresses alone) the fang chick had a real emotional awakening in which she decided that she was not actually a vampire but in fact human with real feelings. unofrtunately for the dude (who liked the fangs after she took them out) the fang girl decided that, oh balls, there are like other girls on the show and maybe this isn't the best way to find love. she ended up leaving during the rose ceremony which i thought was kind of commendable since she probably hates the dude (he is dumb) and doesn't want to waste her own time. nice job fang girl.

anyways, the dude kicked off two random chicks, one of whom decided that after quitting her job to come on the bachelor show she could in fact go home and date whoever she wanted. the other one chose the opposite tack, crying her mascara all over the place because she had such a connection. she had sort of weird hair, that is what i noticed. i want to know what happened after the fang girl quit, was the dude going to vote off two chicks so he got a bonus kill due to fang girl, or was he going to vote off three chicks so one un-fanged girl got real lucky? or maybe the fanged chick was going to get booted anyways due to her lack of enthusiasm with her newfound un-vampireness. this was unexplained.

summary: alli travis who at this point needs no introduction but was actually probably one of the three loudest girls (not five as previously discussed) girls on the senior hall of worthington kilbourne high school remains on the bachelor show which really makes me angry because she doesn't say that much and it means i have to keep watching the show.

title: season 15 episode 1 subtitle: i cant believe i just watched this

never before in my life have i watched an entire episode of any network-broadcast reality television show (this does not include MTV of which i am a connoisseur), so this "bachelor" show was a new phenomenon to me. allow me to recap my prior knowledge of this bachelor show.

1. i knew there was one guy and like a whole bunch of chicks
2. i knew the one guy had to pick one of the chicks to marry
3. i knew that when he picked the chicks they got roses and then they got to come back next week
4. i was pretty sure they all lived in a big house together
5. i assumed this whole process took a long time

that is all i knew. so imagine my surprise when i begin watching the show and all i see is some unshaven man who can best be described as a "dude" with a really annoying accent being interviewed BY ANOTHER MAN. this is not what i tuned in to see. i want to see the "dude" picking girls.

then after the dude was introduced, there was some mention made of him being the same dude as was on this very same bachelor show a few years ago, but he's changed and he wants another chance at picking his dream girl from a randomly selected group of very attractive women, none of whom he knows. this made no sense to me so i fast-forwarded my hulu machine to the part where the girls started coming in.

i must add one more thing to the list of previous bachelor show knowledge that i had, which is that i knew there were like 30 girls on the show. i was unaware, however, that all 30 of them arrive in copious quantities of limos (which i really believe to be the same limo that just goes back and picks up 5 more girls so that the production co can save money). and i was most certainly unaware that each girl does like a 1 minute introduction to the "dude" during which time i was astounded to find out that some of them were extremely strange, such as one girl WHO HAS FANGS.

i will let that sink in for a second.

so eventually these 6 limos (one limo, let's be real) roll up and girls get out, and after like two limos i got bored of this (because alli was in limo #1) so i fast forwarded again.

then all the girls (30 girls! that is a lot) were in the big house and they were milling about as this "dude" came in, and apparently he was supposed to talk to all 30 of them at one point or another. i have to admit, at this point i was watching the buckeyes game on espn3 on mute and simply listening to the bachelor for anything unusual, at which point i would flip back to the bachelor tab and watch that to see what was so interesting, and when the dude asked the fanged girl about her fangs i definitely flipped to that part too.

so here i am, the first male in history to watch football with a bachelor soundtrack, and suddenly i hear the mellifluous voice of alli travis, former worthington kilbourne high school prom queen and current abercrombie and fitch employee, and she interrupts some other girl who was talking to the dude and explains to him that she once had a boyfriend who dumped her because she "had too much junk in the trunk" i'm not kidding, and she turned around to the dude/bachelor and showed him her ass (which is not really that much junk IMO) and asked him "if he could handle this" which she said twice, and he looked at her very strangely and replied that he could indeed handle her trunk of junk.

so at this point i realize that this show is a total winner and i must watch on (listen on and watch the football game really) so i continue along until i discover that he has some sort of "first impression rose" that he is to give to a girl who made a good first impression. it seems to me that showing a dude your ass is not the best way to win this rose but apparently that is what alli decided to do, fine product of a worthington education that she is. anyways, the dude picked some nondescript girl named sarah, i think, which is ridiculous because THERE WAS A GIRL WITH FANGS.

then the real rose ceremony comes, where the dude asks the girls if they will accept his rose, which also makes no sense because of course they're gonna accept the rose, half the chicks are body waxers who were desperate came on the show in the first place, they're not gonna turn you down dude. so needless to say there are 30 GIRLS which is a lot of girls, so this took forever, so i went back to watching the game until i heard him say "alli" and then she got excited and then some other girls got rejected and the show ended.

this took 1.5 hours.