last week: morgue chick shawntelle B got the boot
found out ashley is not actually a dentist, she is a dental student but they've been calling her a dentist all along
emily has a kid
this week:
i have not even finished watching the episode yet, it is on as i type this. i know who he kicked off but inexplicably there are like 10 minutes remaining which i assume could not possibly be very important. if anything exciting happens (yeah right) i will share that information at the end
first the dude took the only remaining shawntelle out on a safari, which really surprised her. it surprised me too, because i thought they were going to go skiing. hey shawntelle, you are in south africa, what did you think you were going to do?
i am actually sort of jealous of the safari because i think the big animals are pretty sweet. this does not mean i like the bachelor.
also, i guess the big plot twist is that they get these cards from that washed up chris guy, who writes the bad blog. so the dude hits shawntelle with one of these cards and it says they can access the fantasy suite if they want. fantasy suite? fantasy suite sounds more like some cheap wedding chapel in vegas. i would never stay in a fantasy suite.
also, the fantasy suite card comes with a key. not a regular key like goes in your door, some old-school key like for a lock in a 150 year old house. first of all, no house has keys like that anymore, so quit being so dramatic and just lose the key. second, shawntelle and the dude ended up going to some treehouse anyways, and not once have i ever had to unlock an old lock to get into a treehouse. i am quite sure this treehouse in the middle of south africa did not have a lock on it.
the treehouse was pretty cool. i am willing to bet that shawntelle and the dude forgot to close the mosquito netting and got covered in bug bites.
i am now remembering how boring this episode was. i spent most of it reading some cycling forums and i do not feel the least bit disappointed.
then the dude went out with emily, the girl with the kid. just in case anyone forgot, this girl had a baby at 19 and then left the kid alone while she went to find love on a reality show. just making sure you guys remembered. emily and the dude rode on an elephant, during which time she said "oh my goodness" at least five times which made me very angry. i am convinced that southern people, in addition to having obnoxious accents, have a limited vocabulary, and emily is my flagship case. even if they do have good vocabularies i still do not want to hear southern people talk, sorry southern people.
when the dude gave emily the lame key to the overnight thing, she tried to tell him she wanted to set a good example for her daughter by not taking the key. she took the key anyways. i do not even get this: she abandoned her child and only now she is thinking about setting a good example. this is like an alcoholic setting a good example by only drinking a 12-pack a day. your first mistake was becoming an alcoholic. your second mistake was thinking that you could correct yoru mistake by continuing to do stupid things. nice work emily. i am sure your daughter (which you named after your dead husband) will grow up to be well-adjusted and successful.
then the dude took the fake dentist out. they flew in a helicopter. the fake dentist "freaked out" half a dozen times. why must they all use those words. are there no other words to describe "freaking out"?
then the dude and the fake dentist got into a big fight, which i really took pleasure in seeing. the dude asked ashley where she wanted to live, and then he got pissy like four hours later because she didn't say she wanted to live in austin. come on dude, she is a fake dentist, she can live everywhere. it is not like she is a financier who needs to live in some big city, she is an almost dentist. do people in austin have teeth? yes? good. she can live in austin. this is not difficult.
then he kicked off the fake dentist.
i am of the personal opinion that the dude booted her because of her massive student loan debt. i would say it's because she's a dentist so she's probably smarter than the two others, who are both glorified secretaries, but i have watched her for 9 straight weeks and she is really not smart at all. so i blame sallie mae. i bet he had a nightmare of those letters pouring in the mail slot and had to axe her.
she got a little saucy with him at the end which would have been cooler except she didn't cry. i really like it when they cry, so i was unhappy.
then i discovered that the next episode is not the finale, it is some sort of garbage where they bring all the other chicks back to have words with the dude. granted i listened to this while writing the above text, so i am not exactly sure, but i think this is what goes down. i suspect this may involve another appearance of the illustrious apparel merchant alli travis! actually i wonder if she is still an apparel merchant given her extended absence and the fact that she has now provided proof to management that she is really sort of dumb. but alli will be back in action which should make it slighty more (or less) bearable, depending on your definition of bearable.
so we have to wait an extra week for the finale. i do not care when they air the stupid finale, i just wish they would stop filling in bogus garbage along the way. that is just more bachelor that i have to watch. if they aired the finale in a year i would be just fine with it, just stop making new episodes please. i guess at this point i might as well just read all the leak websites (seriously, one dude is writing wikileaks and changing the world, and there are like 10000 bachelorleaks websites, where are your priorities people? actually the bachelor probably does more to tear down the world opinion of the united states. maybe julian assange should start a bachelorleaks website. that would embarrass me more than those silly diplomatic cables)
so in summary, fake dentist gets booted off, we have to suffer through an extra episode which may or may not feature alli travis, this was probably the worst episode of the season thus far.
