i guess i owe you guys an apology for not writing a recap last week, because i really don't have better things to be doing than writing bachelor blog recaps. i will blame it on my dismay at the tragic loss of alli travis. i was depressed and i didn't know where to turn, so i went on a bender and tried to like read books and get smarter and stuff. it was awful so here i am again, back on the wagon (or is it off the wagon) with this crap.
summary of last week: i forget what happened. they were in anguilla, and the dude kicked off two chicks, one of them being ugly girl michelle. that was a good thing because she was really annoying me. not because she was an annoying person but because people kept asking me "don't you think that girl michelle is crazy?" and i would respond "i do not care. i do not even think about these things." so now i don't have to answer that anymore and for this i am thankful.
this week:
i guess they call this week hometown week or something, which means i will most certainly not be calling it hometown week because i am on a continued quest to disown all bachelor terminology. the first thing that happened was that the dude went to seattle to visit shawntelle A. i thought this was pretty silly because they met up in some field overlooking downtown seattle. i do not know my seattle geography very well but i am pretty sure that was the photo spot of the city, kind of like how everyone takes pictures in front of the white house in dc. nice setup bachelor camera guys, very original. thanks for showing me the real seattle, you know, the part i can't see from the postcards.
then they went to the world's most garish mcmansion. if you did not watch the show (and you are lucky), this is the mcmansion to top all other mcmansions. it was like a little fake palazzo action with pillars. inside. the pillars were inside. i have never entered into the world of architectural criticism but i believe the pillars belong primarily on the outside of a house. if you live in a train station you can put some pillars on the inside, i dig that, but in your house just keep them outside. i do not want to have to walk around the structural support of your house.
also, and i am skipping ahead a bit here, shawntelle A's dad had some outlandish romanesque statue in his back yard of a dude carving himself out of a block of stone. it was hideous. i was hoping for some sort of perseus and medusa when i first saw it, but no, it was some american monstrosity and i hate it. i think the shawntelle A family should move into a real normal house instead of pretending to live in an oversized and poorly furnished art museum.
so naturally the shawntelle A family loved the dude, what's not to love, he's dumb and slow and that makes him gentlemanly. the dad took the dude down to the wine cellar (mcmansion staple, let me tell you every mcmansion must have a wine cellar. where else would they store their 900 bottles of yellowtail and one trophy bottle of some old italian stuff) and had a heart to heart and they're in love.
then the dude flew to south canada (northern maine really but lets be honest, by that point you might as well fly the tricolore because you are basically in france) to hang with the ashley that hasn't been booted yet. they bought lobsters (two lobsters for six people, smart thinking guys). ashley's family seemed sort of legit, her sister had a lot of tattoos and they had a mudroom thing with some of that foil insulation that i think is pretty rad.
my favorite part of this was discovering that ashley, who the show has subtitled as "dentist" all along, is not actually a dentist! that is right. all of crap-tv watching america thinks this chick is a dentist and nope, she is not a dentist. she's a dental student. i am going to start calling myself a dentist. i had my teeth cleaned a few times and i am somewhat familiar with the structure of the mouth and teeth. awesome, i'm a dentist. now when i go on the bachelorette or whatever (also if any of my male friends go on that show i am not watching, no way, i am forgetting you exist and destroying my television) i want to be called a dentist and not my actual job title. also all you real dental students out there need to update your resumes asap because according to the bachelor you are dentists now! forget the student loans, forget the tests and stuff, you're dentists. i want ashley to operate on my mouth, that is for sure.
then the dude went to california and hung with the embalmer chick shawntelle B. i was really dismayed that he was so disinterested in her job. i think it is cool. i do not want to be an embalmer but i was really very curious about the kiln/crematorium/oven jam. there were a lot of buttons. what is the "blower" for? does it make it hotter? does it blow stuff around? i want to know. shawntelle B, if you are out there, i will pretend to be in love with you for like a week if you tell me about the oven. just kidding, but i really do want to know about the oven.
then my very favorite part of the show, the dude went to charlotte north carolina and spent a whole day with emily and her five year old. yes, that five year old, the one she has been willfully neglecting for this whole time while she pursued love with a stranger who happens to be slightly above average attractiveness. i find this to be an exceptionally high quality life decision and i recommend all american women undertake the same action: accidentally have a child, then go on reality tv. this message sponsored by babysitters of america.
so sure enough the mom says that if the five year old doesn't like the dude then she doesnt' like the dude and it's all over. that is great decision number one of the day. i am commonly in the habit of basing my life on the wishes and desires of five year old children. just the other day i saw a five year old throw some wooden blocks around, so that is what i have been up to for the last 48 hours. it's been really great. my diet consists of pizza and macaroni and cheese, and i have removed words from my vocabulary at an alarming rate. it is great to run my life like a five year old.
then in the very next scene the mom was immediately a hypocrite, because her five year old (who is probably wearing makeup because i would not be surprised if the mom's application of seventeen tubes of mascara wafted through the air onto her daughter's eyelashes, seriously, this girl looks like a raccoon who got punched in each eye) did not like the dude one bit. so sure enough, here is the mom not immediately running from the set of the show, but giving the dude a little more time to get to know her daughter. i do not know whether this is mildly smart or extremely dumb, i will assume based on context that it is extremely dumb anyways and my reason is because it's reality tv and they are all dumb.
then the dude and the mom and the five year old boss of the mom went back to her house. now let me get this straight. she is 24. she is an admin at some children's hospital (where i assume the five year olds tell her what to do). she has a kid. she lives in a monster house that is impeccably furnished. how did this happen? i know her husband dude died or whatever, but what kind of race car driver buys a $1m life insurance policy at age 23? get real. where are the parents? what do they do? ten bucks says her dad is some bigshot at wells fargo or something. no way is the mom pulling down the bank to pay that mortgage, i do not believe it.
then the dude couldn't kiss the mom because he was worried about the kid. dude, if the kid is just now causing you to worry, you are like 8 weeks too late. next time you go on the bachelor i recommend you reconsider all the women with kids since you obviously do not know how to handle yourself.
then they recapped all the episode for like 10 minutes so i fast forwarded. i guess some people have such trouble paying attention that they can't remember what happened like 70 minutes ago. of course they are watching the bachelor, so maybe my standards are too high.
then they had the rose ceremony and i didn't even bother fast forwarding ebcause there are only four chicks. he booted shawntelle B the morgue chick. i actually had a thought that might benefit humanity and i was hoping he would boot the mom because then she could spend time with her child and not have to destroy any more lives, but no, she is still around. what a shame. ok that's enough actual caring for one day. shawntelle B did not really cry much which does not surprise me given that she sucks the blood out of dead bodies every day, but as you guys know i live for the tears so i was a little disappointed. i am waiting for the departure of that ashley chick because i predict the tears will flow.
recap of the recap: shawntelle B cremator chick gets booted. ashley is a fake dentist. emily the mom has the brain power of a five year old.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
title: season 15 episode 6 subtitle: in memoriam
last week: i have honestly gotten so lazy at this point that i don't even want to remember what happened last week. i will therefore predict the past and you can tell me in the comments if i was accurate:
michelle went a little crazy
the dude was emotionally vacant
alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alumnus, apparel merchant, and trunk-junk-haver remained a contestant
this week:
with no introduction i learned that the dude and the chicks were in costa rica for this week's episode. i wonder if when the show began they told the chicks all of this stuff. i might actually be willing to prostrate myself before the viewing masses of network television if i got to go to vegas and costa rica for free. i think next week they're going to anguilla and that's not so bad either. if they have to sit in those villas all the time, though, it's not worth it. also i don't think any of the girls are good enough actresses to fake it, so i really think they didn't know.
so they suddenly arrive in costa rica after mugging for the camera in the airport and further embarassing themselves. why must the bachelor travel to a foreign country? it is embarassing enough that they could watch it online, but even more embarassing now that we bring these girls to these other places. they should do the show somewhere like the south where it would be hard to embarass our country. then maybe the locals could understand emily when she talks and translate for the rest of us.
the first group date went to shawntelle A again. i recall she is the one who flew in the magic helicopter with the terrible pilot and did the ocean floor walking. this time they took another helicopter up some volcano to a zipline. according to the dude this was "apparently" the longest zipline in the world. that isn't exciting at all. who cares if there is another longer zipline. that's a long zipline, have fun and stop paying attention to these arbitrary measures of greatness.
then it started raining. they were both very disappointed that their date was almost rained out. i think this is too stupid for words. costa rica is the rainforest. did you get that? rain forest. it rains there. if you do not like the rain you should not go to costa rica.
they ziplined anyways and it looked like your average tourist trap adventure destination. just once i would like to see the dude crack open a topo map and go for a real journey. maybe if we are really lucky the tv cameras won't be able to follow and the season will just end finally.
after the ziplining they had a really nice little date laid down outside. and guess what, it started raining again. i guess the producers did not realize that costa rica is the rain forest. rain. forest. come on producers, at least pop up a tent or something. also let's recall that this same scenario already happened during shawntelle A's first date when it also rained, and obviously the producers have not learned.
then the dude gave shawntelle A a rose. why am i even saying that. he kept shawntelle A. i refuse to allow bachelor-isms into my recap vocabulary. at some point during the episode she said she loved him. you actual bachelor watchers who seem to want him to be happy and find love might be interested in that.
for this week's group date the six other chicks (alli got an individual date for once, so she wasnt there) went re-pelling down the waterfall. the dude has got every single one of them saying re-pelling. oh, and it rained. i am really frustrated about the re-pelling because i have done my share of climbing in the past and i have re-pelled off of plenty of stuff. if you look closely while the girls re-pell, there are two ropes. there's the big white one that they use to let themselves down. then there's a thin blue one. that thin blue one is a top rope. it's attached to the top of the waterfall.
if you are not following, they are being lowered down slowly by other personnel. that white rope is basically meaningless.
if you are still not following, this means they're not in any danger and no mistake they make could cause them to fall. this means, of course, that all the screaming and crying is totally stupid because there is no risk. being afraid of heights is to this bogus re-pelling as being afraid of water is to an eyedropper.
then they got back and the dude didn't keep any chicks. i am sure all the real bachelor fans out there were shocked by this. i can hear it now: "omg omg, he like so didn't keep any of the girls, oh my god i feel soo bad for emily, she's so sweet and has a kid so she should win." no, emily should not win, she should be at home showing her child that there are better ways to find love than relying on the one guy the american broadcast company dug up who was stupid enough to go on the show.
also, michelle had a freakout or something and emily said something about her pushing away guys. i wonder if when she tries to push away guys she speaks even slower and slurs even more words.
oh yeah, at one point alli got scared of a beetle so she threw a wine glass at shawntelle A.
then apparel merchant alli travis had her individual date (no i am not calling it one-on-one). i knew nothing good could come of this because up to this point in the show she's only shown cleavage and smiled a lot, so i assumed the dude didn't know she was actually kind of dumb. they went into some cave and walked around, then laid down a blanket where it was already wet and had some drinks.
alli and the dude went to dinner on what appeared to be a floating sheet of plywood and the dude actually got sick of her. it is true, she was so dumb that the dude (who i thought was the dumbest person on the show) grew tired of her. unbelievable! at one point she said (paraphrase:) "cities were too difficult and people who live in cities think they're all that but they're really not that special just cuz they live in a city." i live in a city and i don't think i'm all that because of the city, i think i'm all that because i'm not seeking love on television. here is an equation for you alli: there are like 300 million people in america. 300 million - 30 is how many people are more all that than you right now. the other 30 are on that show with you.
after that, the dude pulled an unprecedented move and kicked alli off the show. phenomenal! i love that alli was the only one who tanked the individual date hard enough that she got booted. see you later alli, best of luck in your career as an abercrombie and fitch employee.
we did get some decent tears out of alli. she kept saying she felt stupid for crying about the whole thing. i would have started feeling stupid right when i signed the letter of intent to appear on the show, not when i got kicked off.
at one point michelle snuck into the dude's room. i'm not sure why this was important at all but i thought i would share because it happened.
after the alli date, there was the cocktail party, which i only loosely followed. i successfully fast forwarded straight to the end of the rose thing again. the dude kicked off jackie, the 28 year old artist from new york. he has thus removed two of the girls (the other being the manscaper) who probably deserved to stay because they have no career potential. jackie cried a decent bit as well because she felt as if she did not have the chance to prove herself to the dude. allow me to recommend actual dating in real life as a good opportunity to prove yourself to people. good luck actually dating after you explain to the guy that you already tried to find someone better on television, but seriously, give it a try.
summary:
michelle was a little crazy.
shawntelle A found a cool bug and alli got scared
it rained in the rainforest
everyone fake-repelled from a waterfall
alli got booted from the show
artist jackie also got the hook
my rigid wednesday schedule of bachelor blog updates may slip a little given the demise of my favorite character alli travis. i have lived the vast majority of my life without two weekly hours of the bachelor and it is screwing up my schedule. if you are saddened by this you should know two things:
1. your sadness is unwarranted and you should go read a better blog. just google "blog," i guarantee any of those authors cares more about their content
2. if you are still sad after completing the action in step 1, i am open to begging, favors (of the unsexual variety), snacks, cookies, bicycle parts, whining, or any other form of solicitation you choose to employ.
michelle went a little crazy
the dude was emotionally vacant
alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alumnus, apparel merchant, and trunk-junk-haver remained a contestant
this week:
with no introduction i learned that the dude and the chicks were in costa rica for this week's episode. i wonder if when the show began they told the chicks all of this stuff. i might actually be willing to prostrate myself before the viewing masses of network television if i got to go to vegas and costa rica for free. i think next week they're going to anguilla and that's not so bad either. if they have to sit in those villas all the time, though, it's not worth it. also i don't think any of the girls are good enough actresses to fake it, so i really think they didn't know.
so they suddenly arrive in costa rica after mugging for the camera in the airport and further embarassing themselves. why must the bachelor travel to a foreign country? it is embarassing enough that they could watch it online, but even more embarassing now that we bring these girls to these other places. they should do the show somewhere like the south where it would be hard to embarass our country. then maybe the locals could understand emily when she talks and translate for the rest of us.
the first group date went to shawntelle A again. i recall she is the one who flew in the magic helicopter with the terrible pilot and did the ocean floor walking. this time they took another helicopter up some volcano to a zipline. according to the dude this was "apparently" the longest zipline in the world. that isn't exciting at all. who cares if there is another longer zipline. that's a long zipline, have fun and stop paying attention to these arbitrary measures of greatness.
then it started raining. they were both very disappointed that their date was almost rained out. i think this is too stupid for words. costa rica is the rainforest. did you get that? rain forest. it rains there. if you do not like the rain you should not go to costa rica.
they ziplined anyways and it looked like your average tourist trap adventure destination. just once i would like to see the dude crack open a topo map and go for a real journey. maybe if we are really lucky the tv cameras won't be able to follow and the season will just end finally.
after the ziplining they had a really nice little date laid down outside. and guess what, it started raining again. i guess the producers did not realize that costa rica is the rain forest. rain. forest. come on producers, at least pop up a tent or something. also let's recall that this same scenario already happened during shawntelle A's first date when it also rained, and obviously the producers have not learned.
then the dude gave shawntelle A a rose. why am i even saying that. he kept shawntelle A. i refuse to allow bachelor-isms into my recap vocabulary. at some point during the episode she said she loved him. you actual bachelor watchers who seem to want him to be happy and find love might be interested in that.
for this week's group date the six other chicks (alli got an individual date for once, so she wasnt there) went re-pelling down the waterfall. the dude has got every single one of them saying re-pelling. oh, and it rained. i am really frustrated about the re-pelling because i have done my share of climbing in the past and i have re-pelled off of plenty of stuff. if you look closely while the girls re-pell, there are two ropes. there's the big white one that they use to let themselves down. then there's a thin blue one. that thin blue one is a top rope. it's attached to the top of the waterfall.
if you are not following, they are being lowered down slowly by other personnel. that white rope is basically meaningless.
if you are still not following, this means they're not in any danger and no mistake they make could cause them to fall. this means, of course, that all the screaming and crying is totally stupid because there is no risk. being afraid of heights is to this bogus re-pelling as being afraid of water is to an eyedropper.
then they got back and the dude didn't keep any chicks. i am sure all the real bachelor fans out there were shocked by this. i can hear it now: "omg omg, he like so didn't keep any of the girls, oh my god i feel soo bad for emily, she's so sweet and has a kid so she should win." no, emily should not win, she should be at home showing her child that there are better ways to find love than relying on the one guy the american broadcast company dug up who was stupid enough to go on the show.
also, michelle had a freakout or something and emily said something about her pushing away guys. i wonder if when she tries to push away guys she speaks even slower and slurs even more words.
oh yeah, at one point alli got scared of a beetle so she threw a wine glass at shawntelle A.
then apparel merchant alli travis had her individual date (no i am not calling it one-on-one). i knew nothing good could come of this because up to this point in the show she's only shown cleavage and smiled a lot, so i assumed the dude didn't know she was actually kind of dumb. they went into some cave and walked around, then laid down a blanket where it was already wet and had some drinks.
alli and the dude went to dinner on what appeared to be a floating sheet of plywood and the dude actually got sick of her. it is true, she was so dumb that the dude (who i thought was the dumbest person on the show) grew tired of her. unbelievable! at one point she said (paraphrase:) "cities were too difficult and people who live in cities think they're all that but they're really not that special just cuz they live in a city." i live in a city and i don't think i'm all that because of the city, i think i'm all that because i'm not seeking love on television. here is an equation for you alli: there are like 300 million people in america. 300 million - 30 is how many people are more all that than you right now. the other 30 are on that show with you.
after that, the dude pulled an unprecedented move and kicked alli off the show. phenomenal! i love that alli was the only one who tanked the individual date hard enough that she got booted. see you later alli, best of luck in your career as an abercrombie and fitch employee.
we did get some decent tears out of alli. she kept saying she felt stupid for crying about the whole thing. i would have started feeling stupid right when i signed the letter of intent to appear on the show, not when i got kicked off.
at one point michelle snuck into the dude's room. i'm not sure why this was important at all but i thought i would share because it happened.
after the alli date, there was the cocktail party, which i only loosely followed. i successfully fast forwarded straight to the end of the rose thing again. the dude kicked off jackie, the 28 year old artist from new york. he has thus removed two of the girls (the other being the manscaper) who probably deserved to stay because they have no career potential. jackie cried a decent bit as well because she felt as if she did not have the chance to prove herself to the dude. allow me to recommend actual dating in real life as a good opportunity to prove yourself to people. good luck actually dating after you explain to the guy that you already tried to find someone better on television, but seriously, give it a try.
summary:
michelle was a little crazy.
shawntelle A found a cool bug and alli got scared
it rained in the rainforest
everyone fake-repelled from a waterfall
alli got booted from the show
artist jackie also got the hook
my rigid wednesday schedule of bachelor blog updates may slip a little given the demise of my favorite character alli travis. i have lived the vast majority of my life without two weekly hours of the bachelor and it is screwing up my schedule. if you are saddened by this you should know two things:
1. your sadness is unwarranted and you should go read a better blog. just google "blog," i guarantee any of those authors cares more about their content
2. if you are still sad after completing the action in step 1, i am open to begging, favors (of the unsexual variety), snacks, cookies, bicycle parts, whining, or any other form of solicitation you choose to employ.
Monday, February 7, 2011
title: midweek post number two subtitle: don't go thinking like this is a regular thing
really there are three things to discuss here:
1. comment response because i try to give back to the readership and all that
2. npr article (yes you read that correctly)
3. wikipedia
1. the comment
the blog got a comment last week regarding the dude's choise of a green wedding topper. commenter "anonymous" asked some pertinent questions which i will do my best to answer with a healthy blend of cynicism and disgust. actually if i were reading a bachelor blog i would most certainly comment as "anonymous," so this commenter has my immediate respect. i try to be as anonymous as possible while writing the stupid thing, so i can commiserate.
anyways, commenter anonymous noticed that the junk in alli's trunk may have been a motivating factor in the selection of the smallest "cake" (cake topper) ever created. it was really more like a half-size tiered cupcake which is why i am convinced it was a cake topper.
commenter anonymous says "do you think the producers chose a small cake to show sensitivity towards this [junk in trunk] or should they have opted instead for a larger dessert(read: confiscated the entire wedding cake) to reinforce that in fact the bachelor will be undeterred (unlike her previous bf) based on the junk:trunk ratio?"
well let me tell you what i think, anonymous. i think they only sent one intern downstairs from the gigantic ugly suite, so he couldn't manage to steal more than the cake topper. it would have been quite a sight to see a sole intern scampering up the stairs with a full-size wedding cake, and i am certain that would have captured more attention.
i do appreciate the idea of junk size manipulation via pastry, though. commenter anonymous and i will keep our eyes open for additional instances of food presented to worthington kilbourne alumna alli travis and let you people know.
2. the npr article
npr wrote an article about the bachelor. i feel that this is somewhat newsworthy in itself and i will explain why in a moment. if you should so wish to subject yourself to the horror, here is the article. i don't care enough about this to add a real link so you're just going to have to copy and paste: http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2011/02/01/133402141/the-bachelor-is-science-fiction-a-crackpot-theory-you-can-get-behind
first, this brings rise to my opinion of the average npr consumer as one who decries the rise of modern mass media and subsequent downfall of human civility and culture while simultaneously tuning in to abc on monday nights to watch crappy television. although the comments are not bad, i bet there are a lot of other people reading npr on their ipads while eating soy-based products who are really angry that npr just bashed their favorite television program. i say this at the risk of horrific hypocrisy because i sometimes listen to npr and i clearly watch the bachelor, but i do both against my will. also i find ira glass's voice nearly as annoying as the bachelor dude's voice, i'm sorry. i like this american life but i cannot stand ira glass. did you know he is like 50? he sounds like he's 25.
it was a pretty funny article. it was sent to me by blog reader mollie whose name i will add to the roster of contributors which i believe now numbers like five or something.
3.wikipedia
i wanted to know how many episodes remain in the season so that i can find out when i get my tuesday nights back (yeah, tuesday, i watch it on hulu a day after, remember?). i discovered there are ten episodes which means we are only halfway through, which is grossly disappointing. i suspect the show will continue to decline in quality due to decreased number of girls to make fun of, and this is no good.
that is bad news, but i have worse news as well. on the wikipedia page there is a detailed chart of the bachelor show which explains exactly when and how each girl was voted off the show. it's unbelievable. here, check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bachelor_(season_15).
who makes this? i can tell you that i spend far too much time watching the show, even with my copious fast forwarding, and then i waste even more time and finger fatigue typing this crap up. i refuse to codify my thoughts into a chart, no way, that is not happening.
also, far be it from me to criticize a visualization of the bachelor, but the chart is really bad. i see episode 1 has red, which means eliminated. then i see no more red, i see blue, blue now means eliminated. when did that happen? why did that happen? if you are eliminated you should get the red box of shame. also, i don't care if the girls went on a group date or whatever, i just want to know two things: were they eliminated, and if so, did they cry after the rose ceremony? that tells me which episodes will make me laugh. if i hadn't watched any episodes i would go straight to the ones where the girls cried and watch the last 5 minutes to see the tears flow. if abc made a show titled "dumb girls crying after going on terrible reality shows and getting rejected" i would absolutely watch that.
1. comment response because i try to give back to the readership and all that
2. npr article (yes you read that correctly)
3. wikipedia
1. the comment
the blog got a comment last week regarding the dude's choise of a green wedding topper. commenter "anonymous" asked some pertinent questions which i will do my best to answer with a healthy blend of cynicism and disgust. actually if i were reading a bachelor blog i would most certainly comment as "anonymous," so this commenter has my immediate respect. i try to be as anonymous as possible while writing the stupid thing, so i can commiserate.
anyways, commenter anonymous noticed that the junk in alli's trunk may have been a motivating factor in the selection of the smallest "cake" (cake topper) ever created. it was really more like a half-size tiered cupcake which is why i am convinced it was a cake topper.
commenter anonymous says "do you think the producers chose a small cake to show sensitivity towards this [junk in trunk] or should they have opted instead for a larger dessert(read: confiscated the entire wedding cake) to reinforce that in fact the bachelor will be undeterred (unlike her previous bf) based on the junk:trunk ratio?"
well let me tell you what i think, anonymous. i think they only sent one intern downstairs from the gigantic ugly suite, so he couldn't manage to steal more than the cake topper. it would have been quite a sight to see a sole intern scampering up the stairs with a full-size wedding cake, and i am certain that would have captured more attention.
i do appreciate the idea of junk size manipulation via pastry, though. commenter anonymous and i will keep our eyes open for additional instances of food presented to worthington kilbourne alumna alli travis and let you people know.
2. the npr article
npr wrote an article about the bachelor. i feel that this is somewhat newsworthy in itself and i will explain why in a moment. if you should so wish to subject yourself to the horror, here is the article. i don't care enough about this to add a real link so you're just going to have to copy and paste: http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2011/02/01/133402141/the-bachelor-is-science-fiction-a-crackpot-theory-you-can-get-behind
first, this brings rise to my opinion of the average npr consumer as one who decries the rise of modern mass media and subsequent downfall of human civility and culture while simultaneously tuning in to abc on monday nights to watch crappy television. although the comments are not bad, i bet there are a lot of other people reading npr on their ipads while eating soy-based products who are really angry that npr just bashed their favorite television program. i say this at the risk of horrific hypocrisy because i sometimes listen to npr and i clearly watch the bachelor, but i do both against my will. also i find ira glass's voice nearly as annoying as the bachelor dude's voice, i'm sorry. i like this american life but i cannot stand ira glass. did you know he is like 50? he sounds like he's 25.
it was a pretty funny article. it was sent to me by blog reader mollie whose name i will add to the roster of contributors which i believe now numbers like five or something.
3.wikipedia
i wanted to know how many episodes remain in the season so that i can find out when i get my tuesday nights back (yeah, tuesday, i watch it on hulu a day after, remember?). i discovered there are ten episodes which means we are only halfway through, which is grossly disappointing. i suspect the show will continue to decline in quality due to decreased number of girls to make fun of, and this is no good.
that is bad news, but i have worse news as well. on the wikipedia page there is a detailed chart of the bachelor show which explains exactly when and how each girl was voted off the show. it's unbelievable. here, check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bachelor_(season_15).
who makes this? i can tell you that i spend far too much time watching the show, even with my copious fast forwarding, and then i waste even more time and finger fatigue typing this crap up. i refuse to codify my thoughts into a chart, no way, that is not happening.
also, far be it from me to criticize a visualization of the bachelor, but the chart is really bad. i see episode 1 has red, which means eliminated. then i see no more red, i see blue, blue now means eliminated. when did that happen? why did that happen? if you are eliminated you should get the red box of shame. also, i don't care if the girls went on a group date or whatever, i just want to know two things: were they eliminated, and if so, did they cry after the rose ceremony? that tells me which episodes will make me laugh. if i hadn't watched any episodes i would go straight to the ones where the girls cried and watch the last 5 minutes to see the tears flow. if abc made a show titled "dumb girls crying after going on terrible reality shows and getting rejected" i would absolutely watch that.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
title: season 15 episode 5 subtitle: each and every one of you
last week on the bachelor show:
shawntelle number 1 gets a date with a bogus helicopter ride and underwater walk
girls go on radio show to talk about their relationship history
ugly girl michelle gets a date and they repell (sic) off of a building
this week:
thankfully i had another trainer workout to conduct during my viewing of the bachelor show, so at least my body could grow while my mind atrophied away. if there are any doctors reading this blog (hey that is not so farfetched because one of the ashleys is a dentist and she is actually on the show) could you please tell me if i'm riding below threshold for 60 minutes while watching the bachelor, is the strength to brainpower ratio positive or negative? i suspect negative but i will continue to watch against my better judgment.
anyways, the episode this week began with an astounding announcement from that guy chris who writes the really crappy blog. he said there will be a one-on-one date. this really annoys me - why not just call them individual dates? you have group dates, you don't say they're "13-on-one" dates. needless to say the bachelor show does not fully comprehend the english language. then chris said there will be a group date. there will also be a "two-on-one" date where one of the chicks will certainly be forced to go home. the inanity of all of this is sickening and i refuse to comment.
the one on one date (screw it, i am calling it individual date) was with shawntelle B this week. i guess the dude has a real thing for girls named shawntelle because he's individual-dated both of them in the last two weeks. i foresee the dude coming back for a third bachelor event where the cast is comprised of the dude and 30 girls all named shawntelle or some form thereof. they could literally just number them shawntelle 1, shawntelle 2, 3, etc. this is what i would do if i were a producer of the show. someone who knows how to use a video camera should make a bachelor spoof show with 30 shawntelles.
shawntelle B and the dude went to the mall for their date. no i am not kidding you. the dude's big idea for a date was to take a girl on a shopping spree. i guess this would not be so bad if you were rich and had no brainpower because you could impress the girl without needing to say anything, but the dude actually likes to shop! i guess this is supposed to appeal to the broader bachelor watching audience and get them to say "awwww i loooove guys who shop this is so cute omg" so nice job producers on that one i guess. i really enjoyed watching the dude comment on these fancy clothes but i most particularly enjoyed the fact that this shawntelle had never been to a nice mall before and "didn't recognize the names on the stores." hey shawntelle, i'm male and the nicest clothes in my closet are made of gore-tex and i still know what fendi and balenciaga are.
so then shawntelle b comes back to the hotel suite (oh yeah, they're staying in this hotel in vegas, i forgot to mention that. it's the aria or something, and it is undoubtedly the nicest hotel the girls have ever seen, as they said themselves. the hyperbole on this show is really getting to me) and then she starts unpacking her fancy clothes. it was quite obvious that the girls were going to get jealous (girl comes in with like 20k in clothes and shows other girls) but nonetheless the producers asked shawntelle to comment on this in her little private video screening thing in case any bachelor-watchers missed that minor detail. thanks for conforming to
the lowest common denominator producers. if you had to explain that issue, you may want to start the next episode with a brief introduction to how to use the volume buttons on your remote because obviously bachelor watchers haven't got all their marbles.
i do not understand why she didn't just go around stuffing everything into bags. if it's all free, why not take advantage? the chicks can't even shopping spree right.
one of the things that the producers did not expose was the thought process behind taking girls to vegas to fall in love with them. i have never been to vegas but i was under the impression that you go to vegas to meet random chicks and gamble a lot, not fall in love and take girls to the mall. i know like at least a million single guys who would rather blow cash on some chick at prada than at the craps table. maybe the vegas tourism board should update their slogan from "what happens here stays here" to "come here to go shopping and find true love." i bet that would be a real big boon to the casino and strip club businesses.
anyways, for the group date (to follow the bachelor english format, the 8-on-1 date), the dude brought all the girls to the nascar track. the chicks literally fanned their faces with their hands when the dude crawled out of his nascar machine and said "hey ladies." to be fair i was sort of hot at that moment as well but that is because i was riding my bicycle. i can definitely see the producers saying to the dude "yo man, all these chicks are going to think you're really sexy when you drag your swollen body out of this race car" and the dude saying "oh yeah that is going to be awesome! i am so hot! girls love me!" and that is pretty much exactly what happened.
warning real bachelor content: the emily chick with the blonde hair who i cannot understand used to date some dude who was a nascar driver and he died in a plane crash but not until after she got pregnant so she was really sad. i thought that might be important if you are trying to follow along and it may factor in later.
i have to say out of all of the contrived dates this one was probably the most amusing. at least some of those dates looked like they might be a bit of fun in real life, like the underwater walking which although i disparage i would still totally do. you could drag me to the nascar track and put me in one of those emasculated racecars and i wouldn't even put it in gear. the dude was driving maybe 90 around the track, which leads me to believe they have an engine approximately the size of a large lawnmower. no way am i going to put on a fire suit to go 90, not a chance. also, the girls went even slower. the best proof of this fact is when shawntelle a said she was on the gas the whole time. this isn't mario kart! you have to use the brakes too, or else you're not going fast enough.
the dude was pretty excited by all the girls in their fake fire suits walking through burnout smoke which i thought was hilarious because i don't find the fire suit to be a particularly sensuous look.
so because emily was getting all of this attention, all the other chicks were getting mad. alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway, and bachelor cleavage queen, said some hostile things which were pretty funny. i was just so shocked when she was featured for more than 5 seconds that i do not really remember what she said.
after all the racing around emily got the rose for having the boyfriend who died in the plane crash but not until after she got pregnant when she was like 18 and then abandoned her child to go on a reality show to find a husband which is probably a great life lesson for her impressionable offspring.
then the two on one date happened with both the ashleys. this was stupid because they're friends. i don't even want to talk about it. they went to cirque du soleil. even though the producer of that event seems to be a native english speaker, he spoke in some sort of broken english that can only be understood by bachelor fans. it was unbelievable, i do not know how he communicates. this is just like the drunk helicopter pilot, the show cannot even find reasonable people to be on it. anyways, he kicked off the ashley who was a nanny, which i think is great because nanny is one of the only "careers" worth stopping to be on the bachelor. thank god she can return to her nanny job asap! good thing the other ashley who is a dentist can forgot thousands in potential income to seek love on national television. i would never get a cavity filled by a bachelor contestant. i would never have a bachelor contestant as a nanny or even my apparel merchant either, so maybe i am not the best test case here.
also if i ever go to cirque du soleil and people from the bachelor come on, i am going to heckle so loud they will throw me out of the state. my heckling will make the papers it will be so forceful. i will be renowned among hecklers worldwide.
then they had a cocktail party pre rose ceremony, where alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway, and bachelor cleavage queen actually had some legit screen time with the dude. she was all sad because she didn't feel special so he brought her a cake. she was thrilled. it wasn't even really a cake, actually, it was like a small tiered brownie. if someone brought me that cake i wouldn't be thrilled, i would ask them where the other two thirds of it were. this "cake" was like getting a fun size snickers bar, yeah, thanks a lot, where is the rest of it. i bet the producer said "you know what would be really nice is if the dude gave this girl a cake. hey intern, go downstairs to the casino and get us a cake!" and then the intern ran downstairs and crashed a wedding and stole the cake topper, because that is about the size of this "cake" that alli got. somewhere there is a couple whose vegas wedding photos have no cake topper and just a big ugly hole in the top of the cake.
then they rose ceremonied. i would like to take a moment and congratulate myself on my hulu machine fast-forwarding skills here because two weeks in a row i have skipped right through the whole thing down to the very last rose. i am really getting good. the dude booted marissa, who is the sports publicist. i can't believe i remembered her name. he also booted another girl who has just a heck of a lot of curly brown hair. she really let the tears roll, too. i was off the bike by this point and eating some ritz crackers and peanut butter as a snack. big hair girl started crying, and i had to open another roll of crackers. i opened the roll, removed a few crackers, peanut buttered them up, and i was wondering what had happened to the show - i thought i'd lost the stream or something. but no, big hair girl was still silently sobbing away. it had to be a good 30 second cry, it was really impressive. i mean i know the show is already the length of a short movie every single week. maybe they could cut some of this stuff out and get it down to a more reasonable length. but seriously big hair girl, nice cry, i think you've got the skills to take you to the top of the world crying competition in the marathon category.
recap:
shawntelle B gets an individual date.
cirque du soleil happens.
alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway, bachelor cleavage queen, and tiny-cake connoisseur remains on the show again (how is this happening)
shawntelle number 1 gets a date with a bogus helicopter ride and underwater walk
girls go on radio show to talk about their relationship history
ugly girl michelle gets a date and they repell (sic) off of a building
this week:
thankfully i had another trainer workout to conduct during my viewing of the bachelor show, so at least my body could grow while my mind atrophied away. if there are any doctors reading this blog (hey that is not so farfetched because one of the ashleys is a dentist and she is actually on the show) could you please tell me if i'm riding below threshold for 60 minutes while watching the bachelor, is the strength to brainpower ratio positive or negative? i suspect negative but i will continue to watch against my better judgment.
anyways, the episode this week began with an astounding announcement from that guy chris who writes the really crappy blog. he said there will be a one-on-one date. this really annoys me - why not just call them individual dates? you have group dates, you don't say they're "13-on-one" dates. needless to say the bachelor show does not fully comprehend the english language. then chris said there will be a group date. there will also be a "two-on-one" date where one of the chicks will certainly be forced to go home. the inanity of all of this is sickening and i refuse to comment.
the one on one date (screw it, i am calling it individual date) was with shawntelle B this week. i guess the dude has a real thing for girls named shawntelle because he's individual-dated both of them in the last two weeks. i foresee the dude coming back for a third bachelor event where the cast is comprised of the dude and 30 girls all named shawntelle or some form thereof. they could literally just number them shawntelle 1, shawntelle 2, 3, etc. this is what i would do if i were a producer of the show. someone who knows how to use a video camera should make a bachelor spoof show with 30 shawntelles.
shawntelle B and the dude went to the mall for their date. no i am not kidding you. the dude's big idea for a date was to take a girl on a shopping spree. i guess this would not be so bad if you were rich and had no brainpower because you could impress the girl without needing to say anything, but the dude actually likes to shop! i guess this is supposed to appeal to the broader bachelor watching audience and get them to say "awwww i loooove guys who shop this is so cute omg" so nice job producers on that one i guess. i really enjoyed watching the dude comment on these fancy clothes but i most particularly enjoyed the fact that this shawntelle had never been to a nice mall before and "didn't recognize the names on the stores." hey shawntelle, i'm male and the nicest clothes in my closet are made of gore-tex and i still know what fendi and balenciaga are.
so then shawntelle b comes back to the hotel suite (oh yeah, they're staying in this hotel in vegas, i forgot to mention that. it's the aria or something, and it is undoubtedly the nicest hotel the girls have ever seen, as they said themselves. the hyperbole on this show is really getting to me) and then she starts unpacking her fancy clothes. it was quite obvious that the girls were going to get jealous (girl comes in with like 20k in clothes and shows other girls) but nonetheless the producers asked shawntelle to comment on this in her little private video screening thing in case any bachelor-watchers missed that minor detail. thanks for conforming to
the lowest common denominator producers. if you had to explain that issue, you may want to start the next episode with a brief introduction to how to use the volume buttons on your remote because obviously bachelor watchers haven't got all their marbles.
i do not understand why she didn't just go around stuffing everything into bags. if it's all free, why not take advantage? the chicks can't even shopping spree right.
one of the things that the producers did not expose was the thought process behind taking girls to vegas to fall in love with them. i have never been to vegas but i was under the impression that you go to vegas to meet random chicks and gamble a lot, not fall in love and take girls to the mall. i know like at least a million single guys who would rather blow cash on some chick at prada than at the craps table. maybe the vegas tourism board should update their slogan from "what happens here stays here" to "come here to go shopping and find true love." i bet that would be a real big boon to the casino and strip club businesses.
anyways, for the group date (to follow the bachelor english format, the 8-on-1 date), the dude brought all the girls to the nascar track. the chicks literally fanned their faces with their hands when the dude crawled out of his nascar machine and said "hey ladies." to be fair i was sort of hot at that moment as well but that is because i was riding my bicycle. i can definitely see the producers saying to the dude "yo man, all these chicks are going to think you're really sexy when you drag your swollen body out of this race car" and the dude saying "oh yeah that is going to be awesome! i am so hot! girls love me!" and that is pretty much exactly what happened.
warning real bachelor content: the emily chick with the blonde hair who i cannot understand used to date some dude who was a nascar driver and he died in a plane crash but not until after she got pregnant so she was really sad. i thought that might be important if you are trying to follow along and it may factor in later.
i have to say out of all of the contrived dates this one was probably the most amusing. at least some of those dates looked like they might be a bit of fun in real life, like the underwater walking which although i disparage i would still totally do. you could drag me to the nascar track and put me in one of those emasculated racecars and i wouldn't even put it in gear. the dude was driving maybe 90 around the track, which leads me to believe they have an engine approximately the size of a large lawnmower. no way am i going to put on a fire suit to go 90, not a chance. also, the girls went even slower. the best proof of this fact is when shawntelle a said she was on the gas the whole time. this isn't mario kart! you have to use the brakes too, or else you're not going fast enough.
the dude was pretty excited by all the girls in their fake fire suits walking through burnout smoke which i thought was hilarious because i don't find the fire suit to be a particularly sensuous look.
so because emily was getting all of this attention, all the other chicks were getting mad. alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway, and bachelor cleavage queen, said some hostile things which were pretty funny. i was just so shocked when she was featured for more than 5 seconds that i do not really remember what she said.
after all the racing around emily got the rose for having the boyfriend who died in the plane crash but not until after she got pregnant when she was like 18 and then abandoned her child to go on a reality show to find a husband which is probably a great life lesson for her impressionable offspring.
then the two on one date happened with both the ashleys. this was stupid because they're friends. i don't even want to talk about it. they went to cirque du soleil. even though the producer of that event seems to be a native english speaker, he spoke in some sort of broken english that can only be understood by bachelor fans. it was unbelievable, i do not know how he communicates. this is just like the drunk helicopter pilot, the show cannot even find reasonable people to be on it. anyways, he kicked off the ashley who was a nanny, which i think is great because nanny is one of the only "careers" worth stopping to be on the bachelor. thank god she can return to her nanny job asap! good thing the other ashley who is a dentist can forgot thousands in potential income to seek love on national television. i would never get a cavity filled by a bachelor contestant. i would never have a bachelor contestant as a nanny or even my apparel merchant either, so maybe i am not the best test case here.
also if i ever go to cirque du soleil and people from the bachelor come on, i am going to heckle so loud they will throw me out of the state. my heckling will make the papers it will be so forceful. i will be renowned among hecklers worldwide.
then they had a cocktail party pre rose ceremony, where alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway, and bachelor cleavage queen actually had some legit screen time with the dude. she was all sad because she didn't feel special so he brought her a cake. she was thrilled. it wasn't even really a cake, actually, it was like a small tiered brownie. if someone brought me that cake i wouldn't be thrilled, i would ask them where the other two thirds of it were. this "cake" was like getting a fun size snickers bar, yeah, thanks a lot, where is the rest of it. i bet the producer said "you know what would be really nice is if the dude gave this girl a cake. hey intern, go downstairs to the casino and get us a cake!" and then the intern ran downstairs and crashed a wedding and stole the cake topper, because that is about the size of this "cake" that alli got. somewhere there is a couple whose vegas wedding photos have no cake topper and just a big ugly hole in the top of the cake.
then they rose ceremonied. i would like to take a moment and congratulate myself on my hulu machine fast-forwarding skills here because two weeks in a row i have skipped right through the whole thing down to the very last rose. i am really getting good. the dude booted marissa, who is the sports publicist. i can't believe i remembered her name. he also booted another girl who has just a heck of a lot of curly brown hair. she really let the tears roll, too. i was off the bike by this point and eating some ritz crackers and peanut butter as a snack. big hair girl started crying, and i had to open another roll of crackers. i opened the roll, removed a few crackers, peanut buttered them up, and i was wondering what had happened to the show - i thought i'd lost the stream or something. but no, big hair girl was still silently sobbing away. it had to be a good 30 second cry, it was really impressive. i mean i know the show is already the length of a short movie every single week. maybe they could cut some of this stuff out and get it down to a more reasonable length. but seriously big hair girl, nice cry, i think you've got the skills to take you to the top of the world crying competition in the marathon category.
recap:
shawntelle B gets an individual date.
cirque du soleil happens.
alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway, bachelor cleavage queen, and tiny-cake connoisseur remains on the show again (how is this happening)
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