i guess i owe you guys an apology for not writing a recap last week, because i really don't have better things to be doing than writing bachelor blog recaps. i will blame it on my dismay at the tragic loss of alli travis. i was depressed and i didn't know where to turn, so i went on a bender and tried to like read books and get smarter and stuff. it was awful so here i am again, back on the wagon (or is it off the wagon) with this crap.
summary of last week: i forget what happened. they were in anguilla, and the dude kicked off two chicks, one of them being ugly girl michelle. that was a good thing because she was really annoying me. not because she was an annoying person but because people kept asking me "don't you think that girl michelle is crazy?" and i would respond "i do not care. i do not even think about these things." so now i don't have to answer that anymore and for this i am thankful.
this week:
i guess they call this week hometown week or something, which means i will most certainly not be calling it hometown week because i am on a continued quest to disown all bachelor terminology. the first thing that happened was that the dude went to seattle to visit shawntelle A. i thought this was pretty silly because they met up in some field overlooking downtown seattle. i do not know my seattle geography very well but i am pretty sure that was the photo spot of the city, kind of like how everyone takes pictures in front of the white house in dc. nice setup bachelor camera guys, very original. thanks for showing me the real seattle, you know, the part i can't see from the postcards.
then they went to the world's most garish mcmansion. if you did not watch the show (and you are lucky), this is the mcmansion to top all other mcmansions. it was like a little fake palazzo action with pillars. inside. the pillars were inside. i have never entered into the world of architectural criticism but i believe the pillars belong primarily on the outside of a house. if you live in a train station you can put some pillars on the inside, i dig that, but in your house just keep them outside. i do not want to have to walk around the structural support of your house.
also, and i am skipping ahead a bit here, shawntelle A's dad had some outlandish romanesque statue in his back yard of a dude carving himself out of a block of stone. it was hideous. i was hoping for some sort of perseus and medusa when i first saw it, but no, it was some american monstrosity and i hate it. i think the shawntelle A family should move into a real normal house instead of pretending to live in an oversized and poorly furnished art museum.
so naturally the shawntelle A family loved the dude, what's not to love, he's dumb and slow and that makes him gentlemanly. the dad took the dude down to the wine cellar (mcmansion staple, let me tell you every mcmansion must have a wine cellar. where else would they store their 900 bottles of yellowtail and one trophy bottle of some old italian stuff) and had a heart to heart and they're in love.
then the dude flew to south canada (northern maine really but lets be honest, by that point you might as well fly the tricolore because you are basically in france) to hang with the ashley that hasn't been booted yet. they bought lobsters (two lobsters for six people, smart thinking guys). ashley's family seemed sort of legit, her sister had a lot of tattoos and they had a mudroom thing with some of that foil insulation that i think is pretty rad.
my favorite part of this was discovering that ashley, who the show has subtitled as "dentist" all along, is not actually a dentist! that is right. all of crap-tv watching america thinks this chick is a dentist and nope, she is not a dentist. she's a dental student. i am going to start calling myself a dentist. i had my teeth cleaned a few times and i am somewhat familiar with the structure of the mouth and teeth. awesome, i'm a dentist. now when i go on the bachelorette or whatever (also if any of my male friends go on that show i am not watching, no way, i am forgetting you exist and destroying my television) i want to be called a dentist and not my actual job title. also all you real dental students out there need to update your resumes asap because according to the bachelor you are dentists now! forget the student loans, forget the tests and stuff, you're dentists. i want ashley to operate on my mouth, that is for sure.
then the dude went to california and hung with the embalmer chick shawntelle B. i was really dismayed that he was so disinterested in her job. i think it is cool. i do not want to be an embalmer but i was really very curious about the kiln/crematorium/oven jam. there were a lot of buttons. what is the "blower" for? does it make it hotter? does it blow stuff around? i want to know. shawntelle B, if you are out there, i will pretend to be in love with you for like a week if you tell me about the oven. just kidding, but i really do want to know about the oven.
then my very favorite part of the show, the dude went to charlotte north carolina and spent a whole day with emily and her five year old. yes, that five year old, the one she has been willfully neglecting for this whole time while she pursued love with a stranger who happens to be slightly above average attractiveness. i find this to be an exceptionally high quality life decision and i recommend all american women undertake the same action: accidentally have a child, then go on reality tv. this message sponsored by babysitters of america.
so sure enough the mom says that if the five year old doesn't like the dude then she doesnt' like the dude and it's all over. that is great decision number one of the day. i am commonly in the habit of basing my life on the wishes and desires of five year old children. just the other day i saw a five year old throw some wooden blocks around, so that is what i have been up to for the last 48 hours. it's been really great. my diet consists of pizza and macaroni and cheese, and i have removed words from my vocabulary at an alarming rate. it is great to run my life like a five year old.
then in the very next scene the mom was immediately a hypocrite, because her five year old (who is probably wearing makeup because i would not be surprised if the mom's application of seventeen tubes of mascara wafted through the air onto her daughter's eyelashes, seriously, this girl looks like a raccoon who got punched in each eye) did not like the dude one bit. so sure enough, here is the mom not immediately running from the set of the show, but giving the dude a little more time to get to know her daughter. i do not know whether this is mildly smart or extremely dumb, i will assume based on context that it is extremely dumb anyways and my reason is because it's reality tv and they are all dumb.
then the dude and the mom and the five year old boss of the mom went back to her house. now let me get this straight. she is 24. she is an admin at some children's hospital (where i assume the five year olds tell her what to do). she has a kid. she lives in a monster house that is impeccably furnished. how did this happen? i know her husband dude died or whatever, but what kind of race car driver buys a $1m life insurance policy at age 23? get real. where are the parents? what do they do? ten bucks says her dad is some bigshot at wells fargo or something. no way is the mom pulling down the bank to pay that mortgage, i do not believe it.
then the dude couldn't kiss the mom because he was worried about the kid. dude, if the kid is just now causing you to worry, you are like 8 weeks too late. next time you go on the bachelor i recommend you reconsider all the women with kids since you obviously do not know how to handle yourself.
then they recapped all the episode for like 10 minutes so i fast forwarded. i guess some people have such trouble paying attention that they can't remember what happened like 70 minutes ago. of course they are watching the bachelor, so maybe my standards are too high.
then they had the rose ceremony and i didn't even bother fast forwarding ebcause there are only four chicks. he booted shawntelle B the morgue chick. i actually had a thought that might benefit humanity and i was hoping he would boot the mom because then she could spend time with her child and not have to destroy any more lives, but no, she is still around. what a shame. ok that's enough actual caring for one day. shawntelle B did not really cry much which does not surprise me given that she sucks the blood out of dead bodies every day, but as you guys know i live for the tears so i was a little disappointed. i am waiting for the departure of that ashley chick because i predict the tears will flow.
recap of the recap: shawntelle B cremator chick gets booted. ashley is a fake dentist. emily the mom has the brain power of a five year old.
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