title: season 15 episode 5 subtitle: each and every one of you

last week on the bachelor show:

shawntelle number 1 gets a date with a bogus helicopter ride and underwater walk
girls go on radio show to talk about their relationship history
ugly girl michelle gets a date and they repell (sic) off of a building

this week:

thankfully i had another trainer workout to conduct during my viewing of the bachelor show, so at least my body could grow while my mind atrophied away. if there are any doctors reading this blog (hey that is not so farfetched because one of the ashleys is a dentist and she is actually on the show) could you please tell me if i'm riding below threshold for 60 minutes while watching the bachelor, is the strength to brainpower ratio positive or negative? i suspect negative but i will continue to watch against my better judgment.

anyways, the episode this week began with an astounding announcement from that guy chris who writes the really crappy blog. he said there will be a one-on-one date. this really annoys me - why not just call them individual dates? you have group dates, you don't say they're "13-on-one" dates. needless to say the bachelor show does not fully comprehend the english language. then chris said there will be a group date. there will also be a "two-on-one" date where one of the chicks will certainly be forced to go home. the inanity of all of this is sickening and i refuse to comment.

the one on one date (screw it, i am calling it individual date) was with shawntelle B this week. i guess the dude has a real thing for girls named shawntelle because he's individual-dated both of them in the last two weeks. i foresee the dude coming back for a third bachelor event where the cast is comprised of the dude and 30 girls all named shawntelle or some form thereof. they could literally just number them shawntelle 1, shawntelle 2, 3, etc. this is what i would do if i were a producer of the show. someone who knows how to use a video camera should make a bachelor spoof show with 30 shawntelles.

shawntelle B and the dude went to the mall for their date. no i am not kidding you. the dude's big idea for a date was to take a girl on a shopping spree. i guess this would not be so bad if you were rich and had no brainpower because you could impress the girl without needing to say anything, but the dude actually likes to shop! i guess this is supposed to appeal to the broader bachelor watching audience and get them to say "awwww i loooove guys who shop this is so cute omg" so nice job producers on that one i guess. i really enjoyed watching the dude comment on these fancy clothes but i most particularly enjoyed the fact that this shawntelle had never been to a nice mall before and "didn't recognize the names on the stores." hey shawntelle, i'm male and the nicest clothes in my closet are made of gore-tex and i still know what fendi and balenciaga are.

so then shawntelle b comes back to the hotel suite (oh yeah, they're staying in this hotel in vegas, i forgot to mention that. it's the aria or something, and it is undoubtedly the nicest hotel the girls have ever seen, as they said themselves. the hyperbole on this show is really getting to me) and then she starts unpacking her fancy clothes. it was quite obvious that the girls were going to get jealous (girl comes in with like 20k in clothes and shows other girls) but nonetheless the producers asked shawntelle to comment on this in her little private video screening thing in case any bachelor-watchers missed that minor detail. thanks for conforming to
the lowest common denominator producers. if you had to explain that issue, you may want to start the next episode with a brief introduction to how to use the volume buttons on your remote because obviously bachelor watchers haven't got all their marbles.

i do not understand why she didn't just go around stuffing everything into bags. if it's all free, why not take advantage? the chicks can't even shopping spree right.

one of the things that the producers did not expose was the thought process behind taking girls to vegas to fall in love with them. i have never been to vegas but i was under the impression that you go to vegas to meet random chicks and gamble a lot, not fall in love and take girls to the mall. i know like at least a million single guys who would rather blow cash on some chick at prada than at the craps table. maybe the vegas tourism board should update their slogan from "what happens here stays here" to "come here to go shopping and find true love." i bet that would be a real big boon to the casino and strip club businesses.

anyways, for the group date (to follow the bachelor english format, the 8-on-1 date), the dude brought all the girls to the nascar track. the chicks literally fanned their faces with their hands when the dude crawled out of his nascar machine and said "hey ladies." to be fair i was sort of hot at that moment as well but that is because i was riding my bicycle. i can definitely see the producers saying to the dude "yo man, all these chicks are going to think you're really sexy when you drag your swollen body out of this race car" and the dude saying "oh yeah that is going to be awesome! i am so hot! girls love me!" and that is pretty much exactly what happened.

warning real bachelor content: the emily chick with the blonde hair who i cannot understand used to date some dude who was a nascar driver and he died in a plane crash but not until after she got pregnant so she was really sad. i thought that might be important if you are trying to follow along and it may factor in later.

i have to say out of all of the contrived dates this one was probably the most amusing. at least some of those dates looked like they might be a bit of fun in real life, like the underwater walking which although i disparage i would still totally do. you could drag me to the nascar track and put me in one of those emasculated racecars and i wouldn't even put it in gear. the dude was driving maybe 90 around the track, which leads me to believe they have an engine approximately the size of a large lawnmower. no way am i going to put on a fire suit to go 90, not a chance. also, the girls went even slower. the best proof of this fact is when shawntelle a said she was on the gas the whole time. this isn't mario kart! you have to use the brakes too, or else you're not going fast enough.

the dude was pretty excited by all the girls in their fake fire suits walking through burnout smoke which i thought was hilarious because i don't find the fire suit to be a particularly sensuous look.

so because emily was getting all of this attention, all the other chicks were getting mad. alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway, and bachelor cleavage queen, said some hostile things which were pretty funny. i was just so shocked when she was featured for more than 5 seconds that i do not really remember what she said.

after all the racing around emily got the rose for having the boyfriend who died in the plane crash but not until after she got pregnant when she was like 18 and then abandoned her child to go on a reality show to find a husband which is probably a great life lesson for her impressionable offspring.

then the two on one date happened with both the ashleys. this was stupid because they're friends. i don't even want to talk about it. they went to cirque du soleil. even though the producer of that event seems to be a native english speaker, he spoke in some sort of broken english that can only be understood by bachelor fans. it was unbelievable, i do not know how he communicates. this is just like the drunk helicopter pilot, the show cannot even find reasonable people to be on it. anyways, he kicked off the ashley who was a nanny, which i think is great because nanny is one of the only "careers" worth stopping to be on the bachelor. thank god she can return to her nanny job asap! good thing the other ashley who is a dentist can forgot thousands in potential income to seek love on national television. i would never get a cavity filled by a bachelor contestant. i would never have a bachelor contestant as a nanny or even my apparel merchant either, so maybe i am not the best test case here.

also if i ever go to cirque du soleil and people from the bachelor come on, i am going to heckle so loud they will throw me out of the state. my heckling will make the papers it will be so forceful. i will be renowned among hecklers worldwide.

then they had a cocktail party pre rose ceremony, where alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway, and bachelor cleavage queen actually had some legit screen time with the dude. she was all sad because she didn't feel special so he brought her a cake. she was thrilled. it wasn't even really a cake, actually, it was like a small tiered brownie. if someone brought me that cake i wouldn't be thrilled, i would ask them where the other two thirds of it were. this "cake" was like getting a fun size snickers bar, yeah, thanks a lot, where is the rest of it. i bet the producer said "you know what would be really nice is if the dude gave this girl a cake. hey intern, go downstairs to the casino and get us a cake!" and then the intern ran downstairs and crashed a wedding and stole the cake topper, because that is about the size of this "cake" that alli got. somewhere there is a couple whose vegas wedding photos have no cake topper and just a big ugly hole in the top of the cake.

then they rose ceremonied. i would like to take a moment and congratulate myself on my hulu machine fast-forwarding skills here because two weeks in a row i have skipped right through the whole thing down to the very last rose. i am really getting good. the dude booted marissa, who is the sports publicist. i can't believe i remembered her name. he also booted another girl who has just a heck of a lot of curly brown hair. she really let the tears roll, too. i was off the bike by this point and eating some ritz crackers and peanut butter as a snack. big hair girl started crying, and i had to open another roll of crackers. i opened the roll, removed a few crackers, peanut buttered them up, and i was wondering what had happened to the show - i thought i'd lost the stream or something. but no, big hair girl was still silently sobbing away. it had to be a good 30 second cry, it was really impressive. i mean i know the show is already the length of a short movie every single week. maybe they could cut some of this stuff out and get it down to a more reasonable length. but seriously big hair girl, nice cry, i think you've got the skills to take you to the top of the world crying competition in the marathon category.

recap:
shawntelle B gets an individual date.
cirque du soleil happens.
alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway, bachelor cleavage queen, and tiny-cake connoisseur remains on the show again (how is this happening)