brief recap from last week:
southern accent girl (whose name i now recall to be ashley H) "way-ent tew the re-cohr-deen stewdio and sayng her 'fay-vuh-rit saw-ung'"
all the girls faked an action movie and it was really lame
alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant" and top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway was concerned about pit stains.
this week:
unfortunately i already worked out before watching the show so my previous week's distraction of bicycle riding was unavailable to me as a divergence. this week i sort of turned the show on while i made some pasta dinner and ate, and then took a mid-show break to talk on the phone and try to revive my brain cells with intelligent conversation. i think that failed.
i think the show began with one of the chicks getting a group date. the chick who got the group date was one of the many chantal/chantel/shantel/shawntels on the show. it was the same chick who i guess was the most badass in the fake movie thing the previous week, which really just means she didn't squeak when she was fake-kicking and probably looked good while sweaty.
the dude and shawntelle (this is what i am going to call both of them because i can't keep them straight) number 1 got into a helicopter outside the house, which really really excited a lot of the girls in the house. this is mildly amusing because i remember back in my elementary school days a helicopter came to school and we got to learn about medivac and that stuff, and i was pretty excited. i think helicopters are still pretty cool but i have never once, not even then, squealed at the sight of a helicopter. i have since been in a few helicopters and flown about, and wouldn't you know it, no squealing. maybe helicopters release those primal squealing instincts in women.
i was actually a little concerned about the helicopter scene, partly for the girls' mental health (which is already limited so the producers shouldn't excite them like that) and mainly for the fact that the helicopter got real close to some of the fake palm trees. i knew the show was bad but it appears to me as if they cannot even contract a decent helicopter pilot. he landed that think like it was scene of the Perfect Storm, not some ugly socal villa.
so they were flying around southern california in a helicopter and they went out to some island (catalina?) and landed. except the helicopter that landed was a blue and grey helicopter, and the helicopter that took off from the house in the first place was red and yellow. did they think we wouldn't notice? i noticed, bachelor idiots! why did you switch helicopters? you must explain these things to us. my suspicion is that they leased one helicopter to take off from the villa for like 30 minutes, and another one to "land" at catalina for like 10 minutes, and they took a boat over because they want to cut costs. i actually googled that answer and realize that my suspicion is probably wrong because catalina is only like 22 miles from LA, in which case it makes even less sense that they switched helicopters. i do not get it. maybe answer girl commenter bachelor expert leah can help out.
once they landed at catalina they went on a boat to go into the water in some sort of scuba (not really because it wasn't self-contained but i digress) helmet thing that allows you to breathe. naturally the ocean is the biggest fear of shawntelle 1 (surprise!) so she was "like so scared" and needed to be comforted by the dude. she finally hardened up and went in the water for a while, during which time they held hands and walked on the ocean floor. this is not really a criticism of the bachelor so much as these ocean helmets, but who wants to walk in the ocean? have you ever tried to walk in the pool? it is slow. you should really swim, which you cannot do with these silly helmets. this is like going on the space shuttle and not being able to fly around in zero gravity. boring. leave it to the bachelor to pick the most boring way to exploit some poor impressionable insecure girl's fears. at least let her have some fun while she is down there!
so then they went to some seaside little setup, which of course had a bed. every bachelor date setup has a bed, and this annoys me because they never sleep in them. it is not like they are going to get real physical on network tv, so why bother with the bed? they cut the budget in the stupidest places, and then they blow it all on trucking beds into strange locations. the dude and shawntelle 1 did get a little snuggly on the bed which i guess is alright but you can get just as snuggly on a big couch. she told him how they have a connection and he told her the same thing and that he liked that she would make fun of him and then they kissed for a little bit.
meanwhile back at the ugly villa the 13 or whatever remaining girls were all sitting on the same giant couch as always and talking to each other. that chris guy who writes the terrible blog came in to tell them who was on the group date and it was everyone except for michelle the ugly obnoxious girl and emily, that blonde girl who i can't really understand when she talks, but she's got the race car driver husband who died a while ago. i think there were some other girls he left behind but i can't pay that much attention or i start to forget important things. ugly girl michelle was happy she didn't get the group date because she is still waiting for "her time" with the dude.
oh also ugly girl michelle woke up with a black eye. i am not even going to spend time wondering about this because that is what she wants us to do. i know she painted that thing on with makeup, sorry ugly girl michelle, i am onto your tricks. oh also bachelor blog reader who i have had the pleasure of meeting, brooke, has informed me that ugly girl michelle had an affair with some nba player and he's married. this is information so vapid that it nearly failed to vibrate my eardrums and synthesize in my brain, but i thought you guys might like to know. so the score on bachelor blog information sending is kelly: 2, leah: 1, brooke: 1. for the sake of all of you people i hope that you do not take it upon yourself to look up bachelor related things, but if somehow you stumble upon them accidentally and need to rid yourself of the burden, you can put them in the comments i guess.
they did a group date where all the chicks went on some dumb radio show about their past relationships. the southern girl ashley h (fay-vuh-rit saw-ung girl) who actually lives in new york went sort of nuts. shawntelle 2 revealed that she had cheated on someone in college and the radio guys jumped on her and said "well you shouldn't hav ebeen with him in the first place huh, HUH, HUH???" and it was annoying so i fast forwarded.
throughout all of this group date thing alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, and top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway did pretty much nothing for the fourth week in a row.
then ugly girl michelle had her one on one date where they took the same red and yellow helicopter (lease that thing for the two-day deal package, gotta get some use out of it) to the top of some building. they were going to rappel off the building, at least i think that is what they did, because the dude in all of his genius kept calling it RE-pelling. "we gonna re-pell off this here buildin yall hear what i am gonna do i just want you to be happy are you serious." dude: it's rAppel. not repell, although i find you and this entire show very repellent.
ugly girl michelle is afraid of heights (surprise!) so she was "freaking out" about it. actually she was "freaking out" about the helicopter ride too. in total, i think she had about five verbalized "freaking out" moments, which i believe is a new high for the bachelor show. nice work ugly girl michelle, you stink.
they re-pelled down the builing (my coworker mike noticed that they stopped exactly where the cameras were, which is an excellent observation and i think overrules his previous statement that he finds ugly girl michelle to be quite attractive, which i think is totally ridiculous but thanks anyways for the camera note). they then went to the pool and the dude dove in with all his clothes on, and i think that is the second time he did this. i like to take most of my clothes off before going in water because i find it to be both easier to swim in the pool and easier to get dressed afterwards, but i recognize that the dude may feel differently about that particular issue.
at one point the dude took emily out to some special event thing and i have to say she makes me hate everything southern even more than i already did. her voice is much more offensive than fay-vuh-rit saw-ung girl's voice, in fact it is barely intelligible.
at the infamous rose ceremony (which i fast forwarded through again) i saw at the end that he kicked off three chicks who i did not care about at all. none of them were particularly concerned about never finding love again but one of them did proceed to jog/walk off the set in the strangest manner i have ever viewed. she held her arms up around her shoulders and sort of danced off, like it was really icy and she was trying to keep her balance or something. this was probably the best part of the show for me because i laughed a great deal at her. i was surprised to see that the dude kept alli travis (fill in information here) on the show because she has done absolutely nothing and she has presented nothing to the show or to the dude. i am sick of her and i find her to be a poor representation of worthington kilbourne high school because i assure you that if i were ever so unfortunate as to find myself on reality television, i would at least make some sarcastic remark and cause everyone else to feel inadequate and stupid.
summary: ugly girl michelle remains, southern girl ashley h "freaks out" and yet the dude still keeps her, dude makes out with the blonde haired britt girl a lot. alli travis does nothing again which is really not even noteworthy at this point anymore so i am sorry for stringing you guys along.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
first ever bachelor blog mid-week update subtitle: look i actually read comments and emails
welcome to the first ever mid-week bachelor blog update. i know it is hard to wait until monday nights or whenever you people watch the show, so to help your withdrawal headaches (or contribute to your headaches, depends how much you like the blog) i have this mid-week release. (sidenote: in competitive sailing there are mid-summer regattas and mid-winter regattas. of course they are mid-summer/winter. how is it possible to fall outside of the bounds of winter and not be mid-fall or mid-spring? it is ridiculous. however, mid-week in the context of tv shows makes sense, because the show airs on monday and here it is friday and thus it is the middle of the week.)
our lovely blog commenter named leah, who i have not had the fortune to meet, has added some essential bachelor show information that answers some of the pressing questions i aired last time.
leah says "1. kiss from a rose...they give out roses on the show...it's really subtle" (i see this blogger thing has some quote button where i could set this quote apart and make it look fancy but obviously i will neglect that option for the far easier method that i have herein selected)
i still stand by the fact that the bachelor show producers knew perfectly well that the southern girl loved this kiss from a rose song before they played it. conveniently enough it happens to also have some parallels to the key bachelor plot element which is the rose. i am pleased to see that the bachelor has co-opted the rose as its own signature item. i am not sure if this has affected the floral industry or america's general perception of the rose very much, but i can certainly say that i will never be able to proffer a rose with the same level of seriousness that i once had.
however, i suppose that given the song title "kiss from a rose" one could possibly infer that they chose the song and then found out that the southern girl loved it later on. this might be reasonable if the show didn't totally stink.
also, lovely blog commenter leah who i have not had the fortune to meet had this earth-shattering piece of information to add "when a girl leaves, she just counts as one of the three that was going to leave anyway, so another girl gets to stay instead of her (i know you were DYING to know that part)" (imagine fancy blogger quote box here if you are picky about that sort of thing)
what i infer from this news is that the fang girl's untimely departure saved some other girl's butt (not ally's, she probably thinks hers is too big to be saved by just one such incident) from similar demise. i can see this really making the dude angry. if i were the dude i would be all "yo i was gonna kick off that crazy chick michelle but then the fang chick walked off and now i have to put up with her for another week, nuts." actually i wouldn't be all like that, because that was at least 10 different words and that has to double the dude's vocabulary, which in my brief tenure as a bachelor viewer seems to consist entirely of: "i just want you to be happy" repeated.
and finally, lovely reader kelly who i have indeed had the fortune to meet, has forwarded this:
i thought i was too cynical to be surprised about anything anymore, but imagine my shock when i saw people magazine "vetting" the dude! it is like when a president has to appoint a new supreme court justice and everyone goes about "vetting" them. i hate the word vetting because you never hear it for a year and then suddenly you hear it twice a minute for a week, and then you never hear it again. it is really a testament to the quality of the bachelor that i care more about the word vetting than i do about the dude's previous encounters with alcohol.
also there are a lot of other bachelor blogs out there and they are pretty serious business. this people article has this comment which i think is the most phenomenal situation with regard to the bachelor that i have ever seen: Robin Crawley Kitzman writes "Everyone makes mistakes, if anyone has the audacity to chasitse this man for things he has done over 20 years ago, shame on you. No one is the same person you were 20 years ago. Brad, I fnd you completely amazing and I hope you find love, you deserve it!"
well robin, i am actually going to chasitse you for the fact that you are so excited over the bachelor that you appear to have forgotten that facebook comments on people magazine may not be the best way to get the dude to notice you. don't you know you could have just gone on the bachelor?
our lovely blog commenter named leah, who i have not had the fortune to meet, has added some essential bachelor show information that answers some of the pressing questions i aired last time.
leah says "1. kiss from a rose...they give out roses on the show...it's really subtle" (i see this blogger thing has some quote button where i could set this quote apart and make it look fancy but obviously i will neglect that option for the far easier method that i have herein selected)
i still stand by the fact that the bachelor show producers knew perfectly well that the southern girl loved this kiss from a rose song before they played it. conveniently enough it happens to also have some parallels to the key bachelor plot element which is the rose. i am pleased to see that the bachelor has co-opted the rose as its own signature item. i am not sure if this has affected the floral industry or america's general perception of the rose very much, but i can certainly say that i will never be able to proffer a rose with the same level of seriousness that i once had.
however, i suppose that given the song title "kiss from a rose" one could possibly infer that they chose the song and then found out that the southern girl loved it later on. this might be reasonable if the show didn't totally stink.
also, lovely blog commenter leah who i have not had the fortune to meet had this earth-shattering piece of information to add "when a girl leaves, she just counts as one of the three that was going to leave anyway, so another girl gets to stay instead of her (i know you were DYING to know that part)" (imagine fancy blogger quote box here if you are picky about that sort of thing)
what i infer from this news is that the fang girl's untimely departure saved some other girl's butt (not ally's, she probably thinks hers is too big to be saved by just one such incident) from similar demise. i can see this really making the dude angry. if i were the dude i would be all "yo i was gonna kick off that crazy chick michelle but then the fang chick walked off and now i have to put up with her for another week, nuts." actually i wouldn't be all like that, because that was at least 10 different words and that has to double the dude's vocabulary, which in my brief tenure as a bachelor viewer seems to consist entirely of: "i just want you to be happy" repeated.
and finally, lovely reader kelly who i have indeed had the fortune to meet, has forwarded this:
i thought i was too cynical to be surprised about anything anymore, but imagine my shock when i saw people magazine "vetting" the dude! it is like when a president has to appoint a new supreme court justice and everyone goes about "vetting" them. i hate the word vetting because you never hear it for a year and then suddenly you hear it twice a minute for a week, and then you never hear it again. it is really a testament to the quality of the bachelor that i care more about the word vetting than i do about the dude's previous encounters with alcohol.
also there are a lot of other bachelor blogs out there and they are pretty serious business. this people article has this comment which i think is the most phenomenal situation with regard to the bachelor that i have ever seen: Robin Crawley Kitzman writes "Everyone makes mistakes, if anyone has the audacity to chasitse this man for things he has done over 20 years ago, shame on you. No one is the same person you were 20 years ago. Brad, I fnd you completely amazing and I hope you find love, you deserve it!"
well robin, i am actually going to chasitse you for the fact that you are so excited over the bachelor that you appear to have forgotten that facebook comments on people magazine may not be the best way to get the dude to notice you. don't you know you could have just gone on the bachelor?
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
title: season 15 episode 3 (in which i ride the trainer) subtitle: emotional overload
brief recap from last week:
really old girl with duck face fights with younger girl who scapes men (but not women, she is a specialist you see) and they both get kicked off.
dumb bachelor dude drives $120k car around the countryside five minutes outside of los angeles and goes to a carnival where he, for the first time in his life, is not a carnie.
all girls get attached to the dude
this week:
i have decided that spending 1.5 hours per week watching the bachelor show is a disgrace and a huge waste of time, but nonetheless i trudge on with our journey as i have discovered a way to make this time more useful. so i set up the hulu machine in front of my bicycle trainer (like a stationary bike, kind of, but it's not really important) and did a workout while watching the bachelor show. i am fairly convinced that this is probably the most productive thing to ever come out of the bachelor so i will stick with it. unfortunately, doing a workout while watching the bachelor just makes me want the show to be over even sooner than i had previously hoped for, so this could be an issue.
this week's bachelor opened with a group date and honestly i can barely remember who the dude took on teh date but i do recall that she had a southern accent and was from new york and she is one of the two ashleys (i think, i could be wrong, it's hard to keep track because there are like 20 girls). i am pretty sure it was southern accent girl because i remember her saying "ah wheeeeeel" at one point which i guess means "i will" in southern, who knew.
they went to a recording studio where surprise surprise the southern girl "freaked out" (i am not kidding she said that) because she always gets so nervous when she has to sing. so they were going to sng that seal song that was on the radio like 10 hours a day back in the day. wouldn't you know it, that's southern accent girl's favorite song (fay-vuh-rit saw-ung!) so she was pretty thrilled. i have to admit confusion because the dude says he sucks at singing so i don't know why he is going around picking dates to do things that he is bad at and does not enjoy but if he is trying to expand his horizons that is cool with me i suppose. also i am confused that out of all the songs the bachelor show could hav epicked to sing, they chose this seal song which the southern girl loves so much, i am sure she did not tell anyone at ABC what her favorite song (fay-vuh-rit saw-ung!) was, not a chance.
i don't get why the bachelor show didn't just tell us that they knew it was her favorite song because in the next scene (after the dude stumbled around the hallways and was clearly being directed by production staff, awesome) seal sang the song to them. oh what do you know, they magically pick this girl's favorite song (fay-vuh-rit saw-ung!) and just happen to have seal right there, it is random i am certain. tell us the truth abc. bachelor viewers demand better from you! (yeah right they didnt' notice)
so after the little seal concert the dude gave the southern girl a rose so she gets to stay which is really much to my dismay because as some of you may know i really hate the southern accent and would prefer that, if she must remain, she politely shut her mouth for the remainder of the season, or, barring that, perhaps abc could give me some subtitles so i could mute it when she comes on the screen.
then they did this group date thing which i guess is a bachelor show staple (i learn so much!) and they went to a studio (movie, this time) to film a fake action movie. this would have been a cool movie if it were about how to not actually kick someone or even make it look like you kick them. it was like watching a tae bo video but with less kicking and less sweat and more kissing. my favorite part was when one of the chicks hit some dude with a fire extinguisher that she held in one hand. have you ever held a fire extinguisher? i know i am just a little guy here but they are heavy! i do not think chantel 2 (i think they spell it differently but i forget which is which) can hold a fire extinguisher in one hand like a football.
oh, also, alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, and top-5 loudest people on senior hallway, dropped some outstanding lines. being the "apparel merchant" that she is (that means works at abercrombie and fitch) she was very concerned about pit stains on her unusually-shaped "shirt." i am not sure what the definition of "shirt" is, but this item requires a very liberal read of the official description because it did not cover her stomach or her breasts, but it did cover her shoulders. i was not really aware that this was possible until i saw our favorite apparel merchant wearing such a thing and indeed it does seem to function as some sort of loosely socially acceptable upper body covering. amusingly enough, this construction did indeed have fabric over her armpits so pitstains could have been a factor. far be it from me to suggest an alternative that abercrombie and fitch might wish to stock, but in the pit stain prevention department, might i recommend something that does not cover your armpits? i have seen numerous tank tops that would serve this purpose adequately.
the dude gave some girl a rose at this point, and i am pretty sure he gave it to the chantel 2 chick who was kind of a badass at the fake kicking stuff and seemed to have a good grasp of the kissing too.
i think it is funny that the other girls get jealous when the dude kisses other chicks. hey chicks, you came on a show with other chicks and only one dude. what did you think was gonna happen? he is gonna kiss the other chicks, that is why he is on the show. this is not that hard to figure out.
prime candidate in this train of thought is that michelle girl who is 1. ugly and 2. obnoxious. i discovered she got a rose at the end of the whole thing but it took me a minute because i fast forwarded so i had to pay close attention to her smug grin to figure it out.
the dude had a second date too, with this blonde barbie kind of girl whose name also escapes me. she has a kid, that is really all that has to be said, or i risk bringing too much legitimacy to this bachelor blog, she got a rose.
there was a cocktail party (another bachelor tradition i am finding) during which alli travis, who at this point needs no introduction, told hte bachelor that the bow on her dress meant that she was a present and she was all wrapped up and was waiting for him to unwrap her or tear her apart or rip her open or something mildly vulgar that i laughed at when she said but now i can't remember. i am not sure if she knew what she was saying or not but it was pretty silly.
lest we forget i am still working up a sweat on the trainer so at this point i am really ready for this show to be over but no, it is 1.5 hours long.
also in this cocktail party (i do not get it, every party has drinks and these girls drink all the time, so why specify it as a cocktail party. also where do the girls get the dresses, there are like 1000 per girl, they need another house just for the dresses alone) the fang chick had a real emotional awakening in which she decided that she was not actually a vampire but in fact human with real feelings. unofrtunately for the dude (who liked the fangs after she took them out) the fang girl decided that, oh balls, there are like other girls on the show and maybe this isn't the best way to find love. she ended up leaving during the rose ceremony which i thought was kind of commendable since she probably hates the dude (he is dumb) and doesn't want to waste her own time. nice job fang girl.
anyways, the dude kicked off two random chicks, one of whom decided that after quitting her job to come on the bachelor show she could in fact go home and date whoever she wanted. the other one chose the opposite tack, crying her mascara all over the place because she had such a connection. she had sort of weird hair, that is what i noticed. i want to know what happened after the fang girl quit, was the dude going to vote off two chicks so he got a bonus kill due to fang girl, or was he going to vote off three chicks so one un-fanged girl got real lucky? or maybe the fanged chick was going to get booted anyways due to her lack of enthusiasm with her newfound un-vampireness. this was unexplained.
summary: alli travis who at this point needs no introduction but was actually probably one of the three loudest girls (not five as previously discussed) girls on the senior hall of worthington kilbourne high school remains on the bachelor show which really makes me angry because she doesn't say that much and it means i have to keep watching the show.
really old girl with duck face fights with younger girl who scapes men (but not women, she is a specialist you see) and they both get kicked off.
dumb bachelor dude drives $120k car around the countryside five minutes outside of los angeles and goes to a carnival where he, for the first time in his life, is not a carnie.
all girls get attached to the dude
this week:
i have decided that spending 1.5 hours per week watching the bachelor show is a disgrace and a huge waste of time, but nonetheless i trudge on with our journey as i have discovered a way to make this time more useful. so i set up the hulu machine in front of my bicycle trainer (like a stationary bike, kind of, but it's not really important) and did a workout while watching the bachelor show. i am fairly convinced that this is probably the most productive thing to ever come out of the bachelor so i will stick with it. unfortunately, doing a workout while watching the bachelor just makes me want the show to be over even sooner than i had previously hoped for, so this could be an issue.
this week's bachelor opened with a group date and honestly i can barely remember who the dude took on teh date but i do recall that she had a southern accent and was from new york and she is one of the two ashleys (i think, i could be wrong, it's hard to keep track because there are like 20 girls). i am pretty sure it was southern accent girl because i remember her saying "ah wheeeeeel" at one point which i guess means "i will" in southern, who knew.
they went to a recording studio where surprise surprise the southern girl "freaked out" (i am not kidding she said that) because she always gets so nervous when she has to sing. so they were going to sng that seal song that was on the radio like 10 hours a day back in the day. wouldn't you know it, that's southern accent girl's favorite song (fay-vuh-rit saw-ung!) so she was pretty thrilled. i have to admit confusion because the dude says he sucks at singing so i don't know why he is going around picking dates to do things that he is bad at and does not enjoy but if he is trying to expand his horizons that is cool with me i suppose. also i am confused that out of all the songs the bachelor show could hav epicked to sing, they chose this seal song which the southern girl loves so much, i am sure she did not tell anyone at ABC what her favorite song (fay-vuh-rit saw-ung!) was, not a chance.
i don't get why the bachelor show didn't just tell us that they knew it was her favorite song because in the next scene (after the dude stumbled around the hallways and was clearly being directed by production staff, awesome) seal sang the song to them. oh what do you know, they magically pick this girl's favorite song (fay-vuh-rit saw-ung!) and just happen to have seal right there, it is random i am certain. tell us the truth abc. bachelor viewers demand better from you! (yeah right they didnt' notice)
so after the little seal concert the dude gave the southern girl a rose so she gets to stay which is really much to my dismay because as some of you may know i really hate the southern accent and would prefer that, if she must remain, she politely shut her mouth for the remainder of the season, or, barring that, perhaps abc could give me some subtitles so i could mute it when she comes on the screen.
then they did this group date thing which i guess is a bachelor show staple (i learn so much!) and they went to a studio (movie, this time) to film a fake action movie. this would have been a cool movie if it were about how to not actually kick someone or even make it look like you kick them. it was like watching a tae bo video but with less kicking and less sweat and more kissing. my favorite part was when one of the chicks hit some dude with a fire extinguisher that she held in one hand. have you ever held a fire extinguisher? i know i am just a little guy here but they are heavy! i do not think chantel 2 (i think they spell it differently but i forget which is which) can hold a fire extinguisher in one hand like a football.
oh, also, alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, and top-5 loudest people on senior hallway, dropped some outstanding lines. being the "apparel merchant" that she is (that means works at abercrombie and fitch) she was very concerned about pit stains on her unusually-shaped "shirt." i am not sure what the definition of "shirt" is, but this item requires a very liberal read of the official description because it did not cover her stomach or her breasts, but it did cover her shoulders. i was not really aware that this was possible until i saw our favorite apparel merchant wearing such a thing and indeed it does seem to function as some sort of loosely socially acceptable upper body covering. amusingly enough, this construction did indeed have fabric over her armpits so pitstains could have been a factor. far be it from me to suggest an alternative that abercrombie and fitch might wish to stock, but in the pit stain prevention department, might i recommend something that does not cover your armpits? i have seen numerous tank tops that would serve this purpose adequately.
the dude gave some girl a rose at this point, and i am pretty sure he gave it to the chantel 2 chick who was kind of a badass at the fake kicking stuff and seemed to have a good grasp of the kissing too.
i think it is funny that the other girls get jealous when the dude kisses other chicks. hey chicks, you came on a show with other chicks and only one dude. what did you think was gonna happen? he is gonna kiss the other chicks, that is why he is on the show. this is not that hard to figure out.
prime candidate in this train of thought is that michelle girl who is 1. ugly and 2. obnoxious. i discovered she got a rose at the end of the whole thing but it took me a minute because i fast forwarded so i had to pay close attention to her smug grin to figure it out.
the dude had a second date too, with this blonde barbie kind of girl whose name also escapes me. she has a kid, that is really all that has to be said, or i risk bringing too much legitimacy to this bachelor blog, she got a rose.
there was a cocktail party (another bachelor tradition i am finding) during which alli travis, who at this point needs no introduction, told hte bachelor that the bow on her dress meant that she was a present and she was all wrapped up and was waiting for him to unwrap her or tear her apart or rip her open or something mildly vulgar that i laughed at when she said but now i can't remember. i am not sure if she knew what she was saying or not but it was pretty silly.
lest we forget i am still working up a sweat on the trainer so at this point i am really ready for this show to be over but no, it is 1.5 hours long.
also in this cocktail party (i do not get it, every party has drinks and these girls drink all the time, so why specify it as a cocktail party. also where do the girls get the dresses, there are like 1000 per girl, they need another house just for the dresses alone) the fang chick had a real emotional awakening in which she decided that she was not actually a vampire but in fact human with real feelings. unofrtunately for the dude (who liked the fangs after she took them out) the fang girl decided that, oh balls, there are like other girls on the show and maybe this isn't the best way to find love. she ended up leaving during the rose ceremony which i thought was kind of commendable since she probably hates the dude (he is dumb) and doesn't want to waste her own time. nice job fang girl.
anyways, the dude kicked off two random chicks, one of whom decided that after quitting her job to come on the bachelor show she could in fact go home and date whoever she wanted. the other one chose the opposite tack, crying her mascara all over the place because she had such a connection. she had sort of weird hair, that is what i noticed. i want to know what happened after the fang girl quit, was the dude going to vote off two chicks so he got a bonus kill due to fang girl, or was he going to vote off three chicks so one un-fanged girl got real lucky? or maybe the fanged chick was going to get booted anyways due to her lack of enthusiasm with her newfound un-vampireness. this was unexplained.
summary: alli travis who at this point needs no introduction but was actually probably one of the three loudest girls (not five as previously discussed) girls on the senior hall of worthington kilbourne high school remains on the bachelor show which really makes me angry because she doesn't say that much and it means i have to keep watching the show.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
title: season 15 episode 2 subtitle: "i am freaking out. i am freaking OUT."
brief recap from last week:
dude from previous bachelor show returns to bachelor because he was dumb enough to screw up the first time and somehow NOT pick a wife out of a house full of chicks
worthington kilbourne high school prom queen and reality tv show star alli travis showed the dude her ass
there was a girl with fangs
episode 2 started with the bachelor dude picking one of the girls (whose name i have since forgotten since there are like 20 girls on the show) to go on a date with him. she got all prettied up in some cocktail type dress and they got into an aston martin (i am sure the dude drives an aston martin in real life, he totally seems like the type to drive a roadster and not a big ugly loud pickup truck...) and drove out of LA. somehow in like 5 minutes they were in the countryside where it was so dark that the girl was "freaking out" which she said about five times.
side note: "freaking out" is probably the most popular emotion of the girls on the bachelor show. this one girl alone conducted enough "freaking out's" for all of them, yet they still seem to all "freak out" all the time. if they ever make a halloween-themed bachelor show it will be unintelligible because the girls will all be freaking out even more, if that is even possible.
so meanwhile, back in the aston martin, five minutes out of LA, it's dark. i have never been to LA so perhaps i am unqualified to make this statement, and i am also aware of the capabilities of TV film cutting, but i find it unreasonable to assume that the chick's long hair could be undisturbed after however much time it takes to get to the countryside from LA in a convertible car. very unrealistic. at least she did not have to "freak out" about the state of her hairstyle.
finally the aston martin and dude and chick arrived in some dark open field, and the chick flipped a switch and a gigantic carnival came to life in the middle of the field. i guess this would be pretty cool except there was no one operating the carnival, but somehow all the rides still worked. what a mystery. so they had a nice wonderful time at the carnival and then made out on the ferris wheel, during which time the bachelor dude put his big dude paw on the girl's face like he was palming a basketball, and i laughed at him. oh, and she had the most wonderful night of her life. she gets to stay for next week, where undoubtedly she will model her apparently world-class hairspray techniques again.
then i guess they roadstered back to the house and the dude had a big pool party with all the chicks, where this old bag whose name started with an M was talking about how she was turning 30 and she was pissy because there were all these other girls and she was turning 30 and didn't want to share it with anyone but the dude and she was turning 30 and oh my gosh these girls are such bitches and didn't she mention she was turning 30. it was tiresome. so all the girls fought over the dude and "had to get their time with him" which is usually the second most uttered phrase on the bachelor show after "freaking out" and usually the two are used in conjunction, such as "i was freaking out i didn't get my time with him." if you just repeat that line like 32 times and envision some well-dressed women, you don't need to watch the episode if you don't want to.
so after this old chick talking about her birthday for like 30 minutes the dude gave her a rose too, which was bogus because 1. who cares about birthdays and 2. she cried. but it was cool because all the other girls were mad at her.
so right when i was like "yo where's the rose ceremony dude?" the show ended and unbeknownst to me there is a PART TWO which i guess aired right after part one, and that is just too much bachelor for one night so i gave up and recuperated. i do not get this, i allocated like 45 minutes to watch a tv show because it's a tv show and that's how long they take, so what the hell.
the next night that i watched was part two, where i guess the dude had to pick another girl for a date, so he chose this artist chick from new york, later to discover that she's only had two boyfriends and doesn't like to date, so why the hell is she on the bachelor. after this hot tip you would think he would have de-rosified her immediately, but no, they had a private concert and he gave her a rose and she giggled a lot and oh it was the most wonderful night of her life. i don't know how it could be the most wonderful night if you knew your dude had just made out with some chick on a ferris wheel the night before but whatever artist girl, i get that you are open to this polyamorous stuff.
then there was a cocktail party and this blonde waitress got into a fight with the "manscaper" (no joke she calls herself a manscaper, i do not ever want to be "scaped" by anyone who calls themselves a manscaper) and the fight was extremely stupid because i had no idea what they were fighting about (that could have been because i was reading an article about kim andersen and leopard-trek and his connections with spanish doping circles in cycling but that's my own fault).
anyways, alli was not involved in any of this stuff so that was cool i guess.
then these two people were introduced and all the girls screamed and i had no idea who they were for like 5 minutes, but i guess they were old bachelor people and so they are so important that they didn't need a bio. they helped the dude choose his chicks for the day which i think is hilarious because if i were one of his buddies i would just pick all the crazy ones and watch him try to sort it out later because i'm a great friend like that. but also if i were friends with him i would probably have to say "thank you so much, so nice to meet you, i just want you to be happy" and all those overpolite phrases that are seeping out of my skull to this moment.
so finally the rose ceremony happened and i fast forwarded to the end because lets face it the only interesting part is the end anyways, and he kicked off the two chicks that fought, and also the rockette girl who is so peppy it hurts my face. she cried and cried and now no guys will want to be with her because she spent 5 minutes talking about how desperate she was for a man, nice move "keltie." i bet the dude kicked her off because he couldn't spell her name. worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, and ex-girlfriend of our starting center alli travis remains on the bachelor where she will likely not say anything for a third week in a row and continue to annoy me.
dude from previous bachelor show returns to bachelor because he was dumb enough to screw up the first time and somehow NOT pick a wife out of a house full of chicks
worthington kilbourne high school prom queen and reality tv show star alli travis showed the dude her ass
there was a girl with fangs
episode 2 started with the bachelor dude picking one of the girls (whose name i have since forgotten since there are like 20 girls on the show) to go on a date with him. she got all prettied up in some cocktail type dress and they got into an aston martin (i am sure the dude drives an aston martin in real life, he totally seems like the type to drive a roadster and not a big ugly loud pickup truck...) and drove out of LA. somehow in like 5 minutes they were in the countryside where it was so dark that the girl was "freaking out" which she said about five times.
side note: "freaking out" is probably the most popular emotion of the girls on the bachelor show. this one girl alone conducted enough "freaking out's" for all of them, yet they still seem to all "freak out" all the time. if they ever make a halloween-themed bachelor show it will be unintelligible because the girls will all be freaking out even more, if that is even possible.
so meanwhile, back in the aston martin, five minutes out of LA, it's dark. i have never been to LA so perhaps i am unqualified to make this statement, and i am also aware of the capabilities of TV film cutting, but i find it unreasonable to assume that the chick's long hair could be undisturbed after however much time it takes to get to the countryside from LA in a convertible car. very unrealistic. at least she did not have to "freak out" about the state of her hairstyle.
finally the aston martin and dude and chick arrived in some dark open field, and the chick flipped a switch and a gigantic carnival came to life in the middle of the field. i guess this would be pretty cool except there was no one operating the carnival, but somehow all the rides still worked. what a mystery. so they had a nice wonderful time at the carnival and then made out on the ferris wheel, during which time the bachelor dude put his big dude paw on the girl's face like he was palming a basketball, and i laughed at him. oh, and she had the most wonderful night of her life. she gets to stay for next week, where undoubtedly she will model her apparently world-class hairspray techniques again.
then i guess they roadstered back to the house and the dude had a big pool party with all the chicks, where this old bag whose name started with an M was talking about how she was turning 30 and she was pissy because there were all these other girls and she was turning 30 and didn't want to share it with anyone but the dude and she was turning 30 and oh my gosh these girls are such bitches and didn't she mention she was turning 30. it was tiresome. so all the girls fought over the dude and "had to get their time with him" which is usually the second most uttered phrase on the bachelor show after "freaking out" and usually the two are used in conjunction, such as "i was freaking out i didn't get my time with him." if you just repeat that line like 32 times and envision some well-dressed women, you don't need to watch the episode if you don't want to.
so after this old chick talking about her birthday for like 30 minutes the dude gave her a rose too, which was bogus because 1. who cares about birthdays and 2. she cried. but it was cool because all the other girls were mad at her.
so right when i was like "yo where's the rose ceremony dude?" the show ended and unbeknownst to me there is a PART TWO which i guess aired right after part one, and that is just too much bachelor for one night so i gave up and recuperated. i do not get this, i allocated like 45 minutes to watch a tv show because it's a tv show and that's how long they take, so what the hell.
the next night that i watched was part two, where i guess the dude had to pick another girl for a date, so he chose this artist chick from new york, later to discover that she's only had two boyfriends and doesn't like to date, so why the hell is she on the bachelor. after this hot tip you would think he would have de-rosified her immediately, but no, they had a private concert and he gave her a rose and she giggled a lot and oh it was the most wonderful night of her life. i don't know how it could be the most wonderful night if you knew your dude had just made out with some chick on a ferris wheel the night before but whatever artist girl, i get that you are open to this polyamorous stuff.
then there was a cocktail party and this blonde waitress got into a fight with the "manscaper" (no joke she calls herself a manscaper, i do not ever want to be "scaped" by anyone who calls themselves a manscaper) and the fight was extremely stupid because i had no idea what they were fighting about (that could have been because i was reading an article about kim andersen and leopard-trek and his connections with spanish doping circles in cycling but that's my own fault).
anyways, alli was not involved in any of this stuff so that was cool i guess.
then these two people were introduced and all the girls screamed and i had no idea who they were for like 5 minutes, but i guess they were old bachelor people and so they are so important that they didn't need a bio. they helped the dude choose his chicks for the day which i think is hilarious because if i were one of his buddies i would just pick all the crazy ones and watch him try to sort it out later because i'm a great friend like that. but also if i were friends with him i would probably have to say "thank you so much, so nice to meet you, i just want you to be happy" and all those overpolite phrases that are seeping out of my skull to this moment.
so finally the rose ceremony happened and i fast forwarded to the end because lets face it the only interesting part is the end anyways, and he kicked off the two chicks that fought, and also the rockette girl who is so peppy it hurts my face. she cried and cried and now no guys will want to be with her because she spent 5 minutes talking about how desperate she was for a man, nice move "keltie." i bet the dude kicked her off because he couldn't spell her name. worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, and ex-girlfriend of our starting center alli travis remains on the bachelor where she will likely not say anything for a third week in a row and continue to annoy me.
title: season 15 episode 1 subtitle: i cant believe i just watched this
never before in my life have i watched an entire episode of any network-broadcast reality television show (this does not include MTV of which i am a connoisseur), so this "bachelor" show was a new phenomenon to me. allow me to recap my prior knowledge of this bachelor show.
1. i knew there was one guy and like a whole bunch of chicks
2. i knew the one guy had to pick one of the chicks to marry
3. i knew that when he picked the chicks they got roses and then they got to come back next week
4. i was pretty sure they all lived in a big house together
5. i assumed this whole process took a long time
that is all i knew. so imagine my surprise when i begin watching the show and all i see is some unshaven man who can best be described as a "dude" with a really annoying accent being interviewed BY ANOTHER MAN. this is not what i tuned in to see. i want to see the "dude" picking girls.
then after the dude was introduced, there was some mention made of him being the same dude as was on this very same bachelor show a few years ago, but he's changed and he wants another chance at picking his dream girl from a randomly selected group of very attractive women, none of whom he knows. this made no sense to me so i fast-forwarded my hulu machine to the part where the girls started coming in.
i must add one more thing to the list of previous bachelor show knowledge that i had, which is that i knew there were like 30 girls on the show. i was unaware, however, that all 30 of them arrive in copious quantities of limos (which i really believe to be the same limo that just goes back and picks up 5 more girls so that the production co can save money). and i was most certainly unaware that each girl does like a 1 minute introduction to the "dude" during which time i was astounded to find out that some of them were extremely strange, such as one girl WHO HAS FANGS.
i will let that sink in for a second.
so eventually these 6 limos (one limo, let's be real) roll up and girls get out, and after like two limos i got bored of this (because alli was in limo #1) so i fast forwarded again.
then all the girls (30 girls! that is a lot) were in the big house and they were milling about as this "dude" came in, and apparently he was supposed to talk to all 30 of them at one point or another. i have to admit, at this point i was watching the buckeyes game on espn3 on mute and simply listening to the bachelor for anything unusual, at which point i would flip back to the bachelor tab and watch that to see what was so interesting, and when the dude asked the fanged girl about her fangs i definitely flipped to that part too.
so here i am, the first male in history to watch football with a bachelor soundtrack, and suddenly i hear the mellifluous voice of alli travis, former worthington kilbourne high school prom queen and current abercrombie and fitch employee, and she interrupts some other girl who was talking to the dude and explains to him that she once had a boyfriend who dumped her because she "had too much junk in the trunk" i'm not kidding, and she turned around to the dude/bachelor and showed him her ass (which is not really that much junk IMO) and asked him "if he could handle this" which she said twice, and he looked at her very strangely and replied that he could indeed handle her trunk of junk.
so at this point i realize that this show is a total winner and i must watch on (listen on and watch the football game really) so i continue along until i discover that he has some sort of "first impression rose" that he is to give to a girl who made a good first impression. it seems to me that showing a dude your ass is not the best way to win this rose but apparently that is what alli decided to do, fine product of a worthington education that she is. anyways, the dude picked some nondescript girl named sarah, i think, which is ridiculous because THERE WAS A GIRL WITH FANGS.
then the real rose ceremony comes, where the dude asks the girls if they will accept his rose, which also makes no sense because of course they're gonna accept the rose, half the chicks are body waxers who were desperate came on the show in the first place, they're not gonna turn you down dude. so needless to say there are 30 GIRLS which is a lot of girls, so this took forever, so i went back to watching the game until i heard him say "alli" and then she got excited and then some other girls got rejected and the show ended.
this took 1.5 hours.
1. i knew there was one guy and like a whole bunch of chicks
2. i knew the one guy had to pick one of the chicks to marry
3. i knew that when he picked the chicks they got roses and then they got to come back next week
4. i was pretty sure they all lived in a big house together
5. i assumed this whole process took a long time
that is all i knew. so imagine my surprise when i begin watching the show and all i see is some unshaven man who can best be described as a "dude" with a really annoying accent being interviewed BY ANOTHER MAN. this is not what i tuned in to see. i want to see the "dude" picking girls.
then after the dude was introduced, there was some mention made of him being the same dude as was on this very same bachelor show a few years ago, but he's changed and he wants another chance at picking his dream girl from a randomly selected group of very attractive women, none of whom he knows. this made no sense to me so i fast-forwarded my hulu machine to the part where the girls started coming in.
i must add one more thing to the list of previous bachelor show knowledge that i had, which is that i knew there were like 30 girls on the show. i was unaware, however, that all 30 of them arrive in copious quantities of limos (which i really believe to be the same limo that just goes back and picks up 5 more girls so that the production co can save money). and i was most certainly unaware that each girl does like a 1 minute introduction to the "dude" during which time i was astounded to find out that some of them were extremely strange, such as one girl WHO HAS FANGS.
i will let that sink in for a second.
so eventually these 6 limos (one limo, let's be real) roll up and girls get out, and after like two limos i got bored of this (because alli was in limo #1) so i fast forwarded again.
then all the girls (30 girls! that is a lot) were in the big house and they were milling about as this "dude" came in, and apparently he was supposed to talk to all 30 of them at one point or another. i have to admit, at this point i was watching the buckeyes game on espn3 on mute and simply listening to the bachelor for anything unusual, at which point i would flip back to the bachelor tab and watch that to see what was so interesting, and when the dude asked the fanged girl about her fangs i definitely flipped to that part too.
so here i am, the first male in history to watch football with a bachelor soundtrack, and suddenly i hear the mellifluous voice of alli travis, former worthington kilbourne high school prom queen and current abercrombie and fitch employee, and she interrupts some other girl who was talking to the dude and explains to him that she once had a boyfriend who dumped her because she "had too much junk in the trunk" i'm not kidding, and she turned around to the dude/bachelor and showed him her ass (which is not really that much junk IMO) and asked him "if he could handle this" which she said twice, and he looked at her very strangely and replied that he could indeed handle her trunk of junk.
so at this point i realize that this show is a total winner and i must watch on (listen on and watch the football game really) so i continue along until i discover that he has some sort of "first impression rose" that he is to give to a girl who made a good first impression. it seems to me that showing a dude your ass is not the best way to win this rose but apparently that is what alli decided to do, fine product of a worthington education that she is. anyways, the dude picked some nondescript girl named sarah, i think, which is ridiculous because THERE WAS A GIRL WITH FANGS.
then the real rose ceremony comes, where the dude asks the girls if they will accept his rose, which also makes no sense because of course they're gonna accept the rose, half the chicks are body waxers who were desperate came on the show in the first place, they're not gonna turn you down dude. so needless to say there are 30 GIRLS which is a lot of girls, so this took forever, so i went back to watching the game until i heard him say "alli" and then she got excited and then some other girls got rejected and the show ended.
this took 1.5 hours.
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