title: season 15 episode 4 subtitle: i feel a real connection with all these 14 girls

brief recap from last week:

southern accent girl (whose name i now recall to be ashley H) "way-ent tew the re-cohr-deen stewdio and sayng her 'fay-vuh-rit saw-ung'"
all the girls faked an action movie and it was really lame
alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant" and top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway was concerned about pit stains.

this week:

unfortunately i already worked out before watching the show so my previous week's distraction of bicycle riding was unavailable to me as a divergence. this week i sort of turned the show on while i made some pasta dinner and ate, and then took a mid-show break to talk on the phone and try to revive my brain cells with intelligent conversation. i think that failed.

i think the show began with one of the chicks getting a group date. the chick who got the group date was one of the many chantal/chantel/shantel/shawntels on the show. it was the same chick who i guess was the most badass in the fake movie thing the previous week, which really just means she didn't squeak when she was fake-kicking and probably looked good while sweaty.

the dude and shawntelle (this is what i am going to call both of them because i can't keep them straight) number 1 got into a helicopter outside the house, which really really excited a lot of the girls in the house. this is mildly amusing because i remember back in my elementary school days a helicopter came to school and we got to learn about medivac and that stuff, and i was pretty excited. i think helicopters are still pretty cool but i have never once, not even then, squealed at the sight of a helicopter. i have since been in a few helicopters and flown about, and wouldn't you know it, no squealing. maybe helicopters release those primal squealing instincts in women.

i was actually a little concerned about the helicopter scene, partly for the girls' mental health (which is already limited so the producers shouldn't excite them like that) and mainly for the fact that the helicopter got real close to some of the fake palm trees. i knew the show was bad but it appears to me as if they cannot even contract a decent helicopter pilot. he landed that think like it was scene of the Perfect Storm, not some ugly socal villa.

so they were flying around southern california in a helicopter and they went out to some island (catalina?) and landed. except the helicopter that landed was a blue and grey helicopter, and the helicopter that took off from the house in the first place was red and yellow. did they think we wouldn't notice? i noticed, bachelor idiots! why did you switch helicopters? you must explain these things to us. my suspicion is that they leased one helicopter to take off from the villa for like 30 minutes, and another one to "land" at catalina for like 10 minutes, and they took a boat over because they want to cut costs. i actually googled that answer and realize that my suspicion is probably wrong because catalina is only like 22 miles from LA, in which case it makes even less sense that they switched helicopters. i do not get it. maybe answer girl commenter bachelor expert leah can help out.

once they landed at catalina they went on a boat to go into the water in some sort of scuba (not really because it wasn't self-contained but i digress) helmet thing that allows you to breathe. naturally the ocean is the biggest fear of shawntelle 1 (surprise!) so she was "like so scared" and needed to be comforted by the dude. she finally hardened up and went in the water for a while, during which time they held hands and walked on the ocean floor. this is not really a criticism of the bachelor so much as these ocean helmets, but who wants to walk in the ocean? have you ever tried to walk in the pool? it is slow. you should really swim, which you cannot do with these silly helmets. this is like going on the space shuttle and not being able to fly around in zero gravity. boring. leave it to the bachelor to pick the most boring way to exploit some poor impressionable insecure girl's fears. at least let her have some fun while she is down there!

so then they went to some seaside little setup, which of course had a bed. every bachelor date setup has a bed, and this annoys me because they never sleep in them. it is not like they are going to get real physical on network tv, so why bother with the bed? they cut the budget in the stupidest places, and then they blow it all on trucking beds into strange locations. the dude and shawntelle 1 did get a little snuggly on the bed which i guess is alright but you can get just as snuggly on a big couch. she told him how they have a connection and he told her the same thing and that he liked that she would make fun of him and then they kissed for a little bit.

meanwhile back at the ugly villa the 13 or whatever remaining girls were all sitting on the same giant couch as always and talking to each other. that chris guy who writes the terrible blog came in to tell them who was on the group date and it was everyone except for michelle the ugly obnoxious girl and emily, that blonde girl who i can't really understand when she talks, but she's got the race car driver husband who died a while ago. i think there were some other girls he left behind but i can't pay that much attention or i start to forget important things. ugly girl michelle was happy she didn't get the group date because she is still waiting for "her time" with the dude.

oh also ugly girl michelle woke up with a black eye. i am not even going to spend time wondering about this because that is what she wants us to do. i know she painted that thing on with makeup, sorry ugly girl michelle, i am onto your tricks. oh also bachelor blog reader who i have had the pleasure of meeting, brooke, has informed me that ugly girl michelle had an affair with some nba player and he's married. this is information so vapid that it nearly failed to vibrate my eardrums and synthesize in my brain, but i thought you guys might like to know. so the score on bachelor blog information sending is kelly: 2, leah: 1, brooke: 1. for the sake of all of you people i hope that you do not take it upon yourself to look up bachelor related things, but if somehow you stumble upon them accidentally and need to rid yourself of the burden, you can put them in the comments i guess.

they did a group date where all the chicks went on some dumb radio show about their past relationships. the southern girl ashley h (fay-vuh-rit saw-ung girl) who actually lives in new york went sort of nuts. shawntelle 2 revealed that she had cheated on someone in college and the radio guys jumped on her and said "well you shouldn't hav ebeen with him in the first place huh, HUH, HUH???" and it was annoying so i fast forwarded.

throughout all of this group date thing alli travis, worthington kilbourne high school alum, prom queen, reality show star, ex-girlfriend of our starting center, current "apparel merchant," pit-stain expert, and top-5 (or three) loudest people on senior hallway did pretty much nothing for the fourth week in a row.

then ugly girl michelle had her one on one date where they took the same red and yellow helicopter (lease that thing for the two-day deal package, gotta get some use out of it) to the top of some building. they were going to rappel off the building, at least i think that is what they did, because the dude in all of his genius kept calling it RE-pelling. "we gonna re-pell off this here buildin yall hear what i am gonna do i just want you to be happy are you serious." dude: it's rAppel. not repell, although i find you and this entire show very repellent.

ugly girl michelle is afraid of heights (surprise!) so she was "freaking out" about it. actually she was "freaking out" about the helicopter ride too. in total, i think she had about five verbalized "freaking out" moments, which i believe is a new high for the bachelor show. nice work ugly girl michelle, you stink.

they re-pelled down the builing (my coworker mike noticed that they stopped exactly where the cameras were, which is an excellent observation and i think overrules his previous statement that he finds ugly girl michelle to be quite attractive, which i think is totally ridiculous but thanks anyways for the camera note). they then went to the pool and the dude dove in with all his clothes on, and i think that is the second time he did this. i like to take most of my clothes off before going in water because i find it to be both easier to swim in the pool and easier to get dressed afterwards, but i recognize that the dude may feel differently about that particular issue.

at one point the dude took emily out to some special event thing and i have to say she makes me hate everything southern even more than i already did. her voice is much more offensive than fay-vuh-rit saw-ung girl's voice, in fact it is barely intelligible.

at the infamous rose ceremony (which i fast forwarded through again) i saw at the end that he kicked off three chicks who i did not care about at all. none of them were particularly concerned about never finding love again but one of them did proceed to jog/walk off the set in the strangest manner i have ever viewed. she held her arms up around her shoulders and sort of danced off, like it was really icy and she was trying to keep her balance or something. this was probably the best part of the show for me because i laughed a great deal at her. i was surprised to see that the dude kept alli travis (fill in information here) on the show because she has done absolutely nothing and she has presented nothing to the show or to the dude. i am sick of her and i find her to be a poor representation of worthington kilbourne high school because i assure you that if i were ever so unfortunate as to find myself on reality television, i would at least make some sarcastic remark and cause everyone else to feel inadequate and stupid.

summary: ugly girl michelle remains, southern girl ashley h "freaks out" and yet the dude still keeps her, dude makes out with the blonde haired britt girl a lot. alli travis does nothing again which is really not even noteworthy at this point anymore so i am sorry for stringing you guys along.